Married in Afghanistan: "Whenever my husband wants sex, I cannot say no"

KabulThree months have passed since my 17-year-old cousin Tamkin got married. During all this time, whenever I called her, her phone was off, so I told her little sister, Husna, to let me know if she went home to visit them. Tamkin usually goes to see her parents twice a month, accompanied by her husband.

A few days ago, Husna let me know that Tamkin had gone home, so I took a moment off work to go see her. When I arrived at my uncle's house, I saw she looked beautiful, wearing a lovely traditional Afghan dress. For a moment, I felt relieved. I told myself that perhaps my worries were meaningless.

When everyone left the room, Tamkin sat next to me and told me she had missed me. "If you miss me, why don't you call me? Why is your phone always off?" I asked her. She paused and finally confessed to me that her husband did not allow her to have a mobile phone, nor to communicate with other people. A few days after the wedding and moving in with her in-laws, he had taken her phone. She insisted that he return it, but all she achieved was for her husband to get angry and tell her: "Women don't need a mobile. Do the housework and take care of me. You don't need a phone anymore. If you want to talk to your parents, use mine."

Just a few months ago, Tamkin spoke to me whenever she wanted. Now, even to make a simple call, she needs permission. "I thought that perhaps my life would improve after marriage, but it has worsened," she continued. Every day she does the housework, prepares food for her husband's parents, takes care of them, and also looks after him.

I asked her how she had imagined married life would be. "I thought that if I couldn't study and achieve my dream of being a doctor, at least marriage could bring a positive change to my life," she replied. Then she paused again and added: "The change has arrived, but it is not positive."

Tamkin was a girl who loved to study. She wanted to be a doctor. But when the Taliban banned secondary and higher education for girls, that option vanished. Three months ago, she married a man she had not chosen. In Afghanistan, it is common for families to choose husbands and wives for their daughters and sons. For example, a family may see a girl in a market or meet her through other relatives, and then go to her house with their son to ask for her hand.

Many families marry off their daughters without asking them if they want to, because they consider that girls do not know what is best for their lives. This is exactly what happened to Tamkin.

Before the engagement and starting the wedding preparations, she had never seen her future husband. The only thing her family had shown her of him was a photograph. The first time she spoke to him was when they went to buy the wedding clothes. But since they went accompanied by their respective families, they could not speak openly, nor get to know each other really. They barely knew anything about each other. It was an arranged marriage. That is why I was so worried about her.

Tamkin also confessed to me that she had felt terrible since the first night of marriage. "Before that night, did you know what would happen?", I asked her. She answered that she had no idea. Only a week before the wedding, her mother had spoken to her for the first time about "marital relations". In Afghanistan, there is no form of sex education. She had also told her that she would be happy after the marriage, that she would experience her femininity, and that she had to bleed as proof of her virginity.

Disgust and pain

Then Tamkin began looking for information on the internet about what she would experience just a few days later. "How did you feel after reading the information you found?", I asked her. "I was worried. On one hand, I felt excitement about experiencing something new, but on the other, disgust for what was about to happen", she replied. "And which feeling is stronger now?". "The disgust", she answered emphatically.

Then, she remained silent for a few moments. Afterwards, she took a deep breath and explained to me that that night she had felt like an object, whose purpose was to satisfy a man's needs and then be cast aside. She was not prepared to have sexual relations. It was almost three in the morning when the wedding guests finally left. She was exhausted. But her husband began to grope her without even asking her if she felt like it.

"It was horrible, painful, and empty of feeling. Terrifying", she asserted. "If I had the power to decide and choose, I would not have agreed to go through that a second time", she added. What hurt her most was the feeling that her desires and feelings did not matter. "He only cared about seeing blood and knowing that I was a virgin", she added.

Then she told me about her current sex life. "Whenever my husband wants sex, I cannot say no. If I say no, he forces me. It disgusts me". "That is rape, isn't it?", I thought, but I did not know what to say.

Tamkin cannot even choose to go see her own family. Her husband does not allow her to go often either. Only twice a month and if he goes too.

Before the wedding, Tamkin's mother had assured her that she would fall in love with her future husband once married. But Tamkin assured me that not only had she not fallen in love, but now she saw her husband as the warden of a prison. "When he leaves for work, I am his housekeeper. And at night, I have to be there for him too. That is all". And she concluded: "Do not get married".

Tamkin's story is not unique. This is the life of thousands of women in Afghanistan, women who cannot even decide about their own bodies, and who are pushed into marriages chosen by their families because they consider there is no other path for them, now that the Taliban are in power. It seems that marriage is the only path left for them. What will my own fate be?