What to do if your child insults you

Barcelona"My son was angry because I didn't want to buy him a toy, and all of a sudden, he said, 'You're stupid.' I froze and ended up losing my temper," explains Silvia, the mother of an eight-year-old boy. Situations like the one this mother experienced a few days ago are "increasingly common," notes Sylvie Pérez, a professor at the UOC's Department of Psychology and Educational Sciences. "It's normal for children to get angry, show rage or frustration, but they should never resort to insults," she says. The reason this behavior is increasingly common, according to the expert, is that "we've stopped treating each other well." There's a general—specific—lack of respect that leads us to attack people instead of the facts or situations we don't like.

Why does he do it?

When a child uses a slur, it's because they've heard it before at home, at school, or somewhere else. "The normal reaction of a child between seven and ten years old when faced with something they don't want to do is to scream or cry out of frustration. If they resort to slurs, it's because they've seen them somewhere as a way of attacking others," explains Pérez.

How should you react in this situation?

"From the outset, you have to stop it from the very beginning, making it very clear that insults are words that hurt, that make you feel bad, that they're an attack, and that you can't attack anyone," explains the psychologist. When verbalizing them, it must be done with respect and, above all, without losing your temper. "Until the age of ten, you can't begin to understand the pain that an insult can cause the person receiving it because children at this age haven't yet fully developed empathy." If the child has heard the insults at home, she adds, it's necessary to admit that they did something wrong and commit to not doing it again.

How can you prevent the adult from losing their temper when you stop them?

The first thing to be clear about is that we can't put ourselves on the same level as our son or daughter because we're the adults, and they need to see that their attitude won't get them anywhere. "If you see that you're getting very nervous, it's advisable to tell them, 'I'm going away for a moment because I'm really angry,' and when that's over, you'll have to talk about it."

What if the child is already a teenager?

According to Pérez, from the age of twelve, empathy is already developed, as is morality, so adolescents know what's right and what's wrong. "At this age, they no longer do things thinking about whether their parent might get angry; it's a behavioral issue, and therefore, it's harder to stop it because it's already part of their daily life. What's needed is to work with the adolescent and the environment in which they interact," he clarifies. He adds that if the insults are between siblings, the formula for stopping this behavior is exactly the same: "Stop it suddenly and educate."