Carlos Pitillas: "I'm afraid of the possibility of harming my children."

BarcelonaFor men, the process of becoming fathers is a profound transformation, fraught with opportunities. Recent studies show that fathers who maintain close and prolonged contact with their babies experience increases in hormones linked to care and bonding, such as oxytocin and prolactin. They also show brain transformations.

Does the human brain change?

— They are transformations comparable to those experienced by mothers during pregnancy. and the early stages of parenting. This regular, affectionate contact produces a kind of emotional reconfiguration by being in tune with the baby, attentive to its needs, and more sensitive to its pain. Men are beginning to discover that caring for children is not only a duty, but also a source of meaning, identity, and growth.

And also scary. Are you afraid of doing it wrong?

— Yes, I'm afraid of the possibility of harming my children. When I think about it, I feel bad, but I try not to let fear be the axis around which I organize my parenting. I try to listen to their needs as much as I can. Sometimes I can give them what they need, and other times I feel it's not appropriate. When this happens, I try to set limits that aren't aggressive, but rather protective, reasonable, and reasoned.

What principles guide you?

— I try never to lose sight of a fundamental idea: the process of being a parent and being a child is marked by vulnerability and profound imperfection. We cannot eliminate this vulnerability, but we can learn to live it with greater humanity, greater presence, and mutual respect. The relationship between parent and child is a powerful engine of emotional and rational development. But we must understand that the relationship inevitably produces some wounds, limitations, blockages, or distortions.

Little or much, we are all hurt.

— No one has been completely immune to shortcomings or resentments. We are all children of imperfect parents who, in turn, were also children of imperfect parents. It would be good to build a culture that doesn't consider parenting a kind of test of our excellence. As I was saying, in parenting, there are two vulnerable parties, not just one, even if one has more power and responsibility. If we understand this, we can begin to love each other as parents and raise children more calmly. It would be good to stop offering magic bullets, stop constantly judging each other, and instead offer each other real and effective support. There is an African proverb that says, "It takes a village to raise a child.". This means that raising a human being is a long, complex, and costly process that requires a network of people—elders, family members, friends, and other significant figures. Parenting alone, without support, recognition, or validation, is a risky process.

Educating means fostering children's autonomy, that is, ensuring they don't need us. Does this also apply to a three-year-old?

— I'm not entirely aware of what you're saying. I try to be available and read the signals my older son is sending me, interpreting his behavior. Some of the signs indicate that he needs me to be closer. Perhaps he's afraid, or has hurt himself, or is more sensitive, or is seeking a loving response. Other times, I see him focused on some aspect of our relationship that's outside the scope of our relationship, that he's trying to make his own decisions, do things his way. In moments like these, his world-exploring system is activated, and I try to give him space, accompanying him but without intervening.

How is this exploration in one son and another?

— For a baby, exploration consists of observing the environment, following a sound or a light. For a three-year-old, exploration might mean climbing a swing at the park, trying a new way to go down a slide, or saying no when I suggest something. They're all expressions of the same logic, of their desire to separate themselves from me a little, to try things, to assert themselves. My job, as a parent, is to accompany these experiments with as much sensitivity and respect as I can, knowing that their autonomy is also part of our bond.