Why does my child always answer 'no'?

GironaHe No It's a word of "power" and "adults use it a lot," says Sara Tarrés, a child psychologist and family counselor. But when it's the child who says it to us – and persistently at that – it "tires us out and frustrates us" and, sooner or later, "we'll end up asking ourselves what we're doing wrong in our parenting to receive this kind of abuse." No for an answer." Most likely, this constant refusal – which begins to occur, above all, from the age of two – is a sign that the child has begun a process of individualization and differentiation from his reference figures. Therefore, it is an "evolutionary issue" and a "very healthy" attitude for his development.

What do you mean by ?

This No outwards is a Yeah Inward. "We may understand it as a refusal, but for them it's an affirmation of oneself, of their self and their identity, which is just beginning to emerge," says this expert. Another reason may be related to limits and how far they can go with their limits. No. It also allows them to build their personality. So, there's nothing personal against the adult, nor is the adult doing anything wrong. "We shouldn't see them as tyrannical and defiant children, but rather simply as a phase they must go through. There's no problem to solve, but rather a stage to be accompanied," Tarrés describes. "Sometimes, at early ages—such as between two and three years old—the No does not express a real refusal, but is often part of the process of affirmation and differentiation." On the other hand, children who avoid expressing a No are more submissive. "As adults, they may have difficulty setting limits and will say Yeah when they will really want to say no."

When should we worry?

According to Tarrés, a member of the College of Psychologists of Catalonia, the situation becomes complicated when this No It occurs alongside significant disruptive behaviors. "That is to say, tantrums around the age of three are natural and normal, but if they are numerous and, in addition, are accompanied by yelling or hitting themselves, we must address it and find out why it happens and what is behind this behavior."

How can we avoid their "no"?

Enter into a power struggle between the Yeah and the No It is an unnecessary "castling" and an "exhausting game" for the adult. According to this psychologist, it is necessary to look at how we pose the question and give options. Instead of saying: "Now we will put on our pajamas," because the answer will be No, we can ask: "Do you want to put on your pajamas by yourself or should I help you?" And so on with other things: instead of "Do you want to eat fruit?" we ask: "Do you want a pear or a banana?" In short, giving options so they can choose.

And our 'no', what?

It is common for adults to say: "Don't touch it", "I can't now", "Don't play now", "Not here", "Don't get on the sofa"... We could also use the word less. No and use it when it really should be a no. And another consideration: "Our children also have the right to say no to something we want or need them to do," warns Tarrés.

Will they say no again at other stages?

Between the ages of 5, 6 and 7 they will come again. "They start to look big and put the No to assert themselves." Also in preadolescence, a time of "reaffirmation of identity and individualization." According to Tarrés, "when adolescence arrives, they will no longer say no, but will do other things, such as locking themselves in their room, and that will be directly a No. Two other stages will also be a process and, like the first, will eventually pass. "They need to find spaces to be alone with themselves, listen to themselves, get to know themselves, and begin to make small decisions that help them build their identity and autonomy," explains this expert, who adds: "In adolescence, rather than following them around, we must be available when they want it. Be there like the curtain."