Single mothers by choice

BarcelonaIn our country there are almost two million single-parent families, 81.4% of which are headed by a woman. The majority of these households are single-parent due to divorce or separation. In the words of the professor of the Department of Social Anthropology at the UB, Xavier Roigé, "contrary to popular belief, this is a constant element in history, the main cause of which was family abandonment or widowhood." Roigé insists that what is "historically new" is single parenthood by choice. According to data from the National Institute of Statistics (INE), in Spain from 2012 to 2022 the number of single mothers by choice has increased by 32.8%. In Roigé's opinion, the increase in this single motherhood "is mainly due to the dissociation of the link between conjugability and motherhood." Today, it is possible and viable for a woman to have a child without needing a partner, "either through assisted reproduction techniques or through adoption."

A diverse society like ours also houses diverse family models. There are those without children and those with children, and among this second group, those made up, in the case of adults, of a man and a woman; a single woman; a single man; two women and two men. When there are two people, of the same sex or not, it can also happen that each one contributes to the children of previous relationships, which gives rise to blended families. An increasingly wide range that makes everyone, young and old, increasingly naturalize all this diversity. The combination of social, cultural and technological changes has "facilitates and intervenes in access to motherhood without a partner," notes the clinical psychologist at Vall d'Hebron University Hospital, Natàlia Calvo, who also mentions that "campaigns to make single-parent families visible and the influence of well-known women who have chosen this path.

More vulnerability

Xavier Roigé also points out that, although we tend to associate female single parenthood with those cases in which women decide to do so freely and have good resources or a consolidated professional situation, we must bear in mind that the most common female single parenthood is the result of separations or difficult family circumstances, and that this very often implies not those who, despite the advances in terms of the acceptance of increasingly diverse family models, single mothers by choice may still face risks of exclusion in various areas.

Single mothers often show physical and mental exhaustion. For Calvo, the reason seems clear: they tend to take on most of the physical and emotional burden of parenting, which can increase their emotional vulnerability and risk of exhaustion. "This situation – she continues – can be aggravated by the lack of an adequate support network, which is essential to guarantee the well-being of both these mothers and their children." And, the clinical psychologist says, "support networks, both within the family and in the community, must provide help in daily tasks, emotional support and a sense of belonging, factors that are key to reducing stress and isolation."

Family support is essential

The economic pressure, social isolation and high emotional burden of raising a child alone can often be offset by a supportive family network. Having the support of the family becomes one of the elements that often tip the balance in favor of the mother. Yeah when a woman is considering becoming a single mother. In fact, many of them discuss the decision with their parents and siblings and ask them if they can lend a hand in logistical or, if necessary, financial terms. As the professor of social anthropology at the UB Xavier Roigé points out, "generally, there is a family mobilization of support and the birth will modify family relationships and intensify them." Many grandparents end up seeing that grandchild or cleaner "as something very positive in the relationship with their daughter," he says.

Kyrennia Arellano's family ties were already sufficiently strong before the arrival of her daughter, almost three and a half years ago. Her family project did not involve being a single mother. "I had always dreamed of a conventional family: the husband, the wife, the son and the dog, but due to circumstances I ended up becoming a single mother." At first it was a shock for her, she explains, "because I couldn't stop thinking about what could have been and in the end wasn't." However, the 32-year-old confesses that she is very happy with her situation. "I am very satisfied because both my daughter and I are extremely happy, and I wouldn't change that for anything," she says. This state of plenitude has been influenced by the unconditional support she has received from her parents and sister, with whom she lives. "My family has been my support since I became pregnant," Arellano points out.

I must be doing it right?

The pressure of raising a child alone is also accentuated by not having a second opinion, that of one's partner, and doubting whether one is making the best decisions at all times. "It is true that, in the logistical field, I have the support of my parents, who have always respected my decisions regarding the education and upbringing of my daughter," says Arellano. The young woman recognizes that it is she, however, who is always asking them for advice. Apart from the support she finds in her grandparents and the little girl's aunt, Arellano recognizes that at certain times she has longed for a paternal figure. "It happened to me when my daughter was very small and we didn't sleep at night, or now, as an adult, when I have had to face a tantrum and it would have been great to incorporate another point of view to manage it, but these are few moments," she emphasizes.

Sandra Gosálvez, mother of 8-year-old Lucía, explains that logistics when you are alone are very complicated. "You also have the feeling of not being able to do everything, especially at the beginning, which causes anxiety and distress," says this 51-year-old mother, who also fears making mistakes in her decisions regarding the upbringing of her daughter. "At the end of the day, I make them alone, I don't have another adult to refer to with whom to share it," which she points out is also the most satisfying part of female single parenthood. "Since there is no other point of view, there are no fights or confrontation in the decisions, but coherence and stability," she emphasizes.

Nothing less brave

Gosálvez has lived without a partner for a long time. The first idea of becoming a mother appeared around the age of 37, but at that time she was held back by "insecurities" about whether she would be able to carry it out on her own and whether she would be able to support both financially. The desire returned at 41 and, after assisted reproduction treatment, she became a mother two months before turning 43. Before starting the treatment she also considered adopting, but at that time the administration closed access to single-parent families in several countries. "Sometimes they tell me that I have been very brave, but I always say that I am no different from any other mother, whether I am raising a child with a partner or not; the only difference lies in the decision to do it alone," she says.

In her case, her extended family is large. In addition to her parents, she has a brother who is three years younger, married and without children, uncles and two cousins, also without children. She shared the decision to become a mother with her parents from the very beginning. "My mother accompanied me on visits during my pregnancy and came to my house for a month when the girl was born," she explains. Her youngest aunt is Lucía's godmother and has also helped her a lot. Before, the child's grandparents were the ones who picked her up from school and waited for her until she came home from work. Now that they are older, she sees what she asks of them and to what extent. Today, she explains, her network is somewhat different. She recently started a new job that gives her more flexibility. However, when she needs it, she turns to the babysitter or to the network of mothers from school and after-school activities.