Without shouting or punishments: how to teach to tolerate frustration

BarcelonaCrying uncontrollably when losing, being unable to wait for commercials to end, or shouting because they are not allowed to go out with their friends are situations that show a certain difficulty in managing frustration. "Frustration is a skill that must be trained day by day, because we will encounter it throughout our entire life," asserts the educational coach Mar Milán.

Currently, technology makes immediacy viable in any situation. With just one click, we can buy, communicate with anyone regardless of where they are, or access knowledge and entertainment. A reality that does not help to practice patience, an essential element for being able to manage frustration.

Milán explains that often parents prefer to avoid seeing their children cry, but “this need is counterproductive to their education; frustration must be worked on to live with it as best as possible”. Although adults prefer that they do not suffer and do so with good intentions, they cannot save their children from every situation. It is important that they learn to develop tolerance to frustration and work on their resilience, “otherwise we are contributing to them becoming adults who do not know how to face frustration. Life will not change the rules of the game for them so that they end up winning”, he recalls. Therefore, they must understand and learn that one does not always win and that, sometimes, things do not go as one would like.

What we can do from two to five years old

At this stage, it is not so much about giving them tools as it is about accompanying them, making them understand that it is normal for them to feel overwhelmed, get angry, and be unable to control themselves when they lose. “It is essential that we validate their emotion, so they realize that we understand they are angry, sad, or furious. Let’s normalize, validate, and explain to them that we do not always win. It is also worth separating the act of winning or losing from their personal worth,” points out Milán. And he reminds us that even if it seems that what we tell them is of no use, these messages gradually sink in.

The range from five to eight

Here the kids begin to understand the rules and it becomes easier to be able to help them. It is possible that they associate the act of losing or winning with being bad or good, therefore, it will be necessary to insist on separating their identity from defeats and victories, so that it does not affect their self-esteem. “We must make them see that sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. We must also listen to them to know what losing means to them, so that they do not believe that they are useless or that they always fail”, he recommends.

Adolescence

From the age of eleven, they do not care whether they win or lose, but rather how that places them in relation to their peers, because their image gains weight during adolescence and they compare themselves with the rest. “Especially during this period, it is advisable to ask them questions to find out how they feel,” suggests Milán. Asking them how they had a good time, what they have learned, what they could improve, what they need to overcome frustration or feel better, are questions that do not focus so much on winning or what they would like to achieve as on the process. “Blurring the goal can help manage frustration,” he asserts.

How to help them channel

To begin with, children and young people will need to calm down so that their frustration decreases; otherwise, they will be unable to pay attention to what they are told. For this calm to be reached, they can be encouraged to breathe deeply, and for the youngest ones, to be taken to do something else. “It is important that families know their children and know what helps them calm down. For some, it might work to draw or write about how they have felt, play sports, move around, or sing,” explains Milán. When they are calmer, it will then be possible to talk to them; “it will be necessary to find the right moment, be present, and talk to them.” She also reminds us that adults, beyond what they say to their children, are a model above all because of what they do; therefore, fathers and mothers should be aware of how they manage their own frustration.