The consequences that the law of the ice has on your son

BarcelonaYou have an argument with your son or daughter and, without being able to help it, you immediately ignore them for a while and practically don't speak to them. This practice, known as the silent treatment, can have consequences for the minor. "This adult behavior generates feelings of guilt, rejection, and misunderstanding in minors, and can damage their self-esteem and their ability to face conflicts in the future," explains Sylvie Pérez, psychopedagogue and collaborating professor of psychology and educational sciences studies at the UOC.

How do minors receive this silence?

According to Pérez, rather than silence, what is applied is ignorance. "It is similar to ghosting, but in the family sphere. And this generates tremendous anguish. It is a way of punishing without allowing the child to apologize or understand." This way of acting causes great confusion in minors: since there are no explanations, the minor is forced to imagine what they did wrong and to generate hypotheses that burden them with guilt.

How can this practice affect the minor when they become an adult?

For the psychopedagogue, children who grow up in these types of dynamics can become insecure adults, with a tendency to constantly seek the approval of others, with difficulties in expressing themselves, and with a confused view of what is right or wrong. "The child ends up believing that they are not punished for what they have done, but for who they are. They are punished in their entirety, not their behavior. And this is very detrimental to their emotional development," she emphasizes.

What is the profile of an adult who applies the silent treatment?

Pérez explains that parents who punish with silence do not do so from a place of calm or pedagogy. "They tend to be people who do not know how to manage their own emotions, who do not tolerate frustration, nor are they capable of sustaining an argument," he states. "They resort to silence as a way to avoid conflict, but also as a way to assert themselves, without having to go through communication, education, or a show of affection".

Is the silent treatment the same as consciously withholding communication?

Avoid lengthy speeches: when conflict is active, it is preferable to limit explanations and focus on the limit.Alternatives for managing moments of tension without punishing with silence

The UOC psychopedagogue proposes various alternatives to face moments of tension:

• Putting words to anger: saying "I am very angry right now and I need some time to calm down" allows the child to understand what is happening without feeling rejected.
• Avoid endless speeches: when the conflict is active, it is preferable to limit explanations and focus on the limit.
• Share the care if necessary: if the adult is overwhelmed, they can ask for help from another trusted adult to intervene at that moment.
• Apply clear and proportionate consequences: it is important that limits are defined in advance and that consequences are not improvised on the spur of the moment.