Separating after 50 to move into a care home: "It breaks me in two"

Cerdanyola del VallèsIt's six o'clock on a Sunday afternoon, and Paco is heading back to the nursing home after having lunch at home with his family. The moment he steps out the door in his wheelchair, Antonia, his wife, collapses onto the sofa. "This breaks my heart," she says, unable to stop the tears from streaming down her cheeks. A recent decline in Paco's health has forced him to move into a care facility while she continues to live at home. Antonia has cared for her husband for years, even at the expense of her own health, and although the situation was no longer sustainable, they tried to postpone his move as long as possible to avoid being separated. Like them, many elderly couples are forced to separate after a lifetime together. While moving into a care facility is often the most logical decision at this stage of life, taking the step involves emotional difficulties. Paco is experiencing this change with some anxiety, because he says that many elderly people die in the center and that he would like to be surrounded by his family in his final days. "The centers are often the final destination; therefore, being admitted can bring with it a more existential loneliness, the feeling of never having been so close to death," acknowledge Laura Coll-Planas, a doctor with the Catalan Society of Geriatrics, part of the Academy of Medical Sciences of Catalonia, and Dolors Fitó, a member of the same society representing residents.

More than 50 years together

For decades, Paco's health has been a precarious mix. At 57, he suffered diabetic retinopathy following a heart attack, which left him severely blind. This was a major setback for him, forcing him to change his way of life. Since then, he has suffered three heart attacks, a fall that affected his mobility, and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, which, fortunately, is progressing slowly. Until now, his caregiver had been Antonia.

The couple met in 1972. "He had wanted to ask me out for a while, but he didn't dare," she jokes. They celebrated for three years before deciding to get married, and since then, they haven't spent a single day apart. After building a life together, she admits to feeling guilty following her husband's admission to the nursing home. "Now is when he needs me most, but my body has reached its limit," she laments. Coll-Planas explains that each cultural environment places a different value on caregiving. "Here, we have an ingrained belief that the family should take care of the child, not an institution. This generates a sense of social guilt," she describes, explaining that this doesn't help the person staying at home accept this new reality. In fact, historically, women have borne a heavy burden when caring for their relatives. When they delegate care to an institution, "they must also overcome the social pressure that makes them feel they are failing their husbands and not doing what is expected of them," the doctor adds. According to Coll-Planas, entering a care home involves a grieving process for both partners. The person who stays at home must "redefine their daily purpose and find a new identity that goes beyond being a caregiver," and she adds that this can lead to "an empty nest syndrome that can result in unwanted loneliness." Regarding the person who moves into a care facility, "there is an aging crisis in which a loss of autonomy and identity is detected. They can no longer do what they used to do and have become someone who lives in a residence," explains the gerontologist. In fact, one of the things Paco finds most difficult is the loss of privacy resulting from his dependency: "I can no longer go to the bathroom alone; even for this I have to ask the staff for help, and it's hard for me," he laments. Fitó warns that when people reach old age, "emotional care takes a back seat, but it is very important that care facilities keep in mind the loss that comes with aging." Furthermore, she mentions that family activities at the center can also combat residents' feelings of abandonment, and that it's positive to include the non-living partner in the residence's activities, "so that if they feel the need to provide care, they can continue to do so." Antònia believes they are fortunate that her husband was able to move into a nearby residence. They live in Cerdanyola del Vallès, and the center is in Bellaterra. Since Paco wasn't on any waiting list for a public place, one of Antònia's fears was that he would be placed far from home and she wouldn't be able to visit him as often. However, the monthly fee for the residence represents a significant financial burden for them: "For now, we're stretching our savings, but if he has to stay for a long time, I don't know how we'll manage," she says. Paco's health, however, has improved considerably since he's been in the residence. When he lived at home, he was depressed and refused to move or follow a diet that would help him manage his diabetes. "Now I notice that the routine helps me stay more controlled and gives me more strength to walk, and that encourages me to keep going so I can feel better," the man says. Antonia admits that everything makes her feel calmer. "Although I miss him a lot, I know he's very well taken care of there," she says happily.