Why you don't need to worry if your child doesn't have a best friend

BarcelonaWhen our son or daughter starts school, beyond what they learn in the classroom, we expect them to make their first friends. We expect it so much that some of the questions we parents ask most when leaving school are "who did you play with?" or "who is your best friend?" Often, it is difficult for the child to answer us or resolve all these doubts because they are still too young, in Kindergarten, to explain it, and it is also common to resort to interviews with the tutors to find out. If the answer is that they play quite a lot alone or don't have a fixed group of friends, but rather play with all their classmates, some alarms might go off. But, are these concerns founded?

According to psychologist Mercè Porta Puig, from the JM Metges de Mollerussa team, a child playing with everyone is not only "to be expected" but is positive because it indicates social flexibility, and therefore, it is not a symptom of deficit. "It does not indicate an absence of friendship, but quite the opposite, it speaks of a socially competent child," specifies Porta, who explains that she always uses the analogy with parents that friends "are like an open square and not like a house with a closed door."

For Porta, a child should be able to discover, get to know, and share – without obligations – and points out that there are various developmental stages and various types of play: solitary, parallel, associative, or cooperative, for example. These are types of play and stages that are "not closed" and are combined, in addition, with different socialization rhythms.

In the Kindergarten stage, before the age of six, solitary or parallel play is common, and if it worries parents it is due to the adult perspective they place on the situation without taking into account the child's needs. "Having confidants or values like fidelity or loyalty are not yet valued at this age," says Porta. 

What are the warning signs? 

To differentiate whether solitary play needs to be addressed or not, Porta believes that one should check if the child rejects contact and avoids approaching others, that is, if they have “isolated and independent” play that could indicate a neurodevelopmental disorder, but that this does not need to be done until mid-primary school. It is not until adolescence that friendship becomes more “intimate and reciprocal,” and it is at this moment that one should worry if there is no bond. Porta explains that social rejection can be associated with some somatizations such as stomach aches or headaches, caused by the fact of knowing that they will meet other children in a space and do not have the skills to do so.

What can we parents do? 

One of the strategies that parents often use to combat this isolation is to force contact with gestures such as inviting specific children to play at home. It is positively beneficial to be able to give opportunities “with more structure” and that is why, if this route is chosen, she recommends doing it for short periods and with an activity guided by the adult, such as a craft or a game. “The key is to accompany, not impose,” adds the psychologist.  

It is, therefore, a stage in which socialization is diffuse, and the fact that he does not have a best friend is not an indicator of a problem or disorder and, therefore, it is recommended not to intervene until we perceive or he himself recognizes that it is a situation that bothers him or hurts him. More cooperative play becomes widespread in primary school and it is at this stage that Porta recommends observing them more closely. “If a child is alone and complains that he has no friends, perhaps social skills and guided play should be trained,” says Porta.

Distant adult gaze

“We have to let children be children,” says Porta, who believes these premature concerns are the result of an adult perspective based on lived experiences. She adds that the child must also be listened to and, if certain discomfort is detected, one should try to contextualize and talk to the school to decide. “We have to let them play, because play is an opportunity to relate and grow,” she concludes.