Why forcing a child to apologize can be counterproductive?

BarcelonaAsking for forgiveness is a gesture that dignifies the one who does it, comforts the one who receives it, and opens the door to restoring damaged bonds. Whoever takes the step learns to empathize with those who have suffered the consequences of their wrongdoing. Afterwards, the relationship between the two will benefit. However, not everything is immediate. Accepting it also costs. Emotions disorient, time is needed, and it is not enough to say it from emptiness. Some refuse to ask for forgiveness because they associate it with the moral repentance of some religions; but, far from it, forgiveness is in tune with essential human values and the idea of virtue. Children and young people, obviously, are not excluded from being able to experience it. All that is needed is good accompaniment.

First: understanding the damage

It is common for parents to demand that their children apologize "right now" when they have wronged someone else. This obligation, however, can trivialize the gesture and lead to the well-known "sorry, I don't care.". Ana Juliá, a philosophy graduate, an expert in educational training and innovation – especially in the field of child development and learning –, proposes that, instead of forcing the child or adolescent (following an authoritarian style) or ignoring the situation, we must make them see that with their act they have "caused harm" to someone and that "this someone" has "needs that must be repaired". That is to say, "provide tools to learn to live with others".

From what attitude?

“Asking for forgiveness is assuming responsibility for one’s own action that has not been sufficiently aligned with the values or norms of a social environment or with one’s own values and principles”, according to Juliá. Forgiveness, however, is not a formula. “It is an internal process that must be worked through well”, she assures. It is not about quickly closing the conflict to restore external order, but about extracting all possible learning from a situation that has occurred. “The idea is to seek harmony with the other again and reconnection with our path towards our idea of virtue”, she describes. It is about the quality of doing good and acting honestly and justly.

What does it bring?

Asking for forgiveness provokes the emergence of certain values that contribute to the development of the child's emotional education. “It will provide him with self-control, maintenance and reinforcement of interpersonal relationships, learning to reconnect with others.” With this action, we will ensure that our child does not forget about others and will see that this other person also has needs. “It will also help him identify any disrespect towards him. It is a protective factor for his future,” admits this specialist. More than asking for forgiveness, what is needed is to learn “not to harm anyone.” In this way, the child or young person will learn that “not harming and not being harmed makes him feel good.”

Is it necessary in a small act?

According to Juliá, what is needed is not to wait to teach how to ask for forgiveness when “they mess up”. Asking for forgiveness is like an exercise and, also, a learning process. For this expert, the important thing is –more than asking for forgiveness– “to repair”. That is, “to replace something lost or broken, to fix it, to buy a new one, to do a service...”. To take action. Nor is it necessary to wait for a specific age to teach them to make the gesture of forgiveness. “If a child under three years old breaks or takes something in a supermarket, it is a good time to notify one of the employees, explain what happened and ask for forgiveness...” Adults are there to help support.

Is it better to say it at the moment?

Not always. If a child is too nervous, feels anger or shame about what they have done, they will not be open to “any learning”. They will not be in a position to learn anything morally significant. First, it is necessary to restore calm. Furthermore, according to Juliá, it is “important” never to say expressions like “you are a bad friend” or “you are very bad”, but concrete things, for example “you have been too impulsive” or “you have not considered the other child”. “If we want to help them build a table of values, we cannot underestimate the action committed or received. We will not give it more weight than it has. If we make them feel that they have caused very strong damage, they will internalize it, and if we do it often, their self-image will suffer”.

If the other does not forgive...

Accepting another's forgiveness is also a moral learning. Sometimes, the injured person needs time. “Asking for forgiveness is not an automatic requirement. So children will have to have patience and perseverance to rebuild the relationship with the other.” A time in which attitudes will have to be in line with the forgiveness requested. “This will make the whole process more valuable and better assimilate that our actions sometimes have consequences for us and sometimes for others,” he asserts.

Should adults apologize?

The answer is clear: yes. “We also hurt and make mistakes”, comments Juliá. “Asking for forgiveness is a great learning experience for them and, also, for us”, she corroborates. Reality proves it: many claim to ask for forgiveness often, but admit that they are told they are forgiven less often than they would really like. Another question is whether there are “imperdonable” things. “Which ones would they be for each person? Thinking about it is positive”, concludes Juliá.