When there is no mother

GironaIt can be love, protection, and welcome; but it doesn't give it. It can be care, attention, and dedication; but it is absent. Not having her because she has died is an intense and painful absence; knowing she is here and realizing she is far away is also grief. The figure of the mother when she does not offer shelter can cause a void in the child, which will be realized over the years. Dysfunctions that can manifest in very diverse ways, such as insecurities and emotional friction: by looking at them, fortunately, they can be transformed.

“Rather than having had a good mother, we will say that you have not had a good attachment with her. This negligence of the mother towards you will determine how you relate,” specifies clinical psychologist Anna Romeu, an expert in emotional education. But why? The infant's first bond is with the mother, if there is one (or with the first reference person); and through her is where the child learns basic aspects such as showing and receiving love. “In the first years of life, the infant will understand that if they cry and are attended to, the world is a safe place. But, if they are not attended to or are punished, they will learn that the world is unsafe, that they have no power to care for themselves, and that there is no need to ask because they will not receive,” she states.

It is instinctive. “Human beings are born with the innate impulse to cling to someone, at least one person,” explains psychologist and specialist in child development from 0 to 7 years Sònia Kliass. It is also a biological issue. “It has to do with the need for survival,” she clarifies. “When attachment occurs optimally, the infant feels protected, safe, seen, and consoled. A pattern that is built a lot in the first years of life, basically the first,” she argues.

When this, on the contrary, does not happen – for whatever reason (single mothers, overwhelmed, without emotional support, or situations over which they have no direct control) – then there will be a lack of this first experience of protection and support. “I like what Canadian doctor Gabor Maté says: ‘There are traumas from things that happen and traumas from things that don't happen.’ And, when a trauma is from something that hasn't happened – admits Kliass – it is very difficult to identify.” The reason is this: “There is a void, a pain... but it is from something that has not happened; and it is more complex to transcend something that has not occurred”.

The imprint left by this absence on the child is not instantaneous – they will not feel rage or frustration at the moment – but will manifest itself later. “If you have never received something, you trivialize it as normal. That's why children realize it when they grow up,” describes Romeu. “They are not aware that there is another type of intervention and connection. However, when they go to friends' houses, they see that there are different family relationships and other family models,” assures this expert.

Apart from very serious experiences, in which the child's needs are not only not met but the facts go against their own integrity – cases of abandonment, abuse, violence, among others (in which specialists agree that they leave very deep marks) – there is, however, a whole range of grays that, according to Kliass, “do not leave you completely well and generate a lot of insecurity.” A mother can love a child madly, but not provide them with what they need, such as protection, security, visibility, and comfort. “Human beings need this for mental and emotional well-being,” emphasizes this specialist.

A lack that goes back a long way

If the mother, in the child's eyes, does not act as a mother, the first thing to do is to wonder what her childhood was really like when she was a girl. “Many mothers have not had a good connection with theirs and these patterns are repeated,” explains Romeu. For the trainer and creator of Systemic Motherhood Manuela Silva González, mothers are also the result of what they experienced as daughters. “She may have had emotional deficiencies and not felt supported as a child. According to her consciousness, then, and what she lived as a daughter, she gives you as much as she is capable of offering you at each moment and, probably, cannot give you more,” she asserts. For example: if she makes differences between two children (a boy and a girl) and gives them different food, this, in the end, is a form of self-confession. “The mother, possibly, in her childhood felt differences in value, being a boy or a girl, before her family system”.

The child, according to Silva, will constitute its own identity based on its experience with its two parents. And, whether through success or suffering, unconsciously –and sometimes not so much–, the child (the adolescent and the adult) will continue to always seek this love and bond with the mother and/or father, as well as in other relationships," highlights this expert. A bond, incidentally, that will be maintained "beyond space and time", unlike the day-to-day relationship, which can be better or worse.

Motherhood in solitude

Nowadays, the reduction of family units is a factor that favors motherhood being experienced in solitude. There are overwhelmed mothers. Sara Tarrés, a psychologist specializing in child and adolescent psychopathology, recalls that “to be a mother, you need a whole support network to help you perform the functions assigned to you”. She also emphasizes that it is vital to have “emotional support, a network, and community” so that the woman does not experience the “guilt” she feels when difficulties arise in synchronizing with her child for various reasons. “This mother does not need judgment,” indicates Tarrés.

Another factor is the incorporation of women into the world of work without them having been effectively replaced within the family. This is explained by Miguel Doñate Sastre, professor and researcher in anthropology at the University of Girona (UdG) and the Open University of Catalonia (UOC). “In our culture, for centuries, the role of women had been essentially restricted to that of mother and sole responsible for childcare and household care. In recent decades, however, a series of changes have been occurring in this role and today there is no longer a single way of being a woman: she can be a mother or not, a caregiver or not, a worker or not... As a society, we have formally resolved the equal treatment of women, but a real implementation has not been made, for example, when it comes to sharing household care. This often means less time at home and less time for children by parents, even though the needs are the same. It is a social concern,” admits Doñate. The challenge is for the incorporation of women into the labor market to also translate into the real incorporation of the partner into household tasks.

However, “the role of mother does not depend only on the time we spend with our children but on the quality of our presence when we are with them,” admits Tarrés.

The challenge of transforming

In the case of absent mothers or those who for various reasons have not bonded with their children, Kliass advises putting words to what is happening. For example, someone could say to the child, if they manifest it with any attitude: “You miss your mother, don't you?” The child must be heard, reading the ways in which they express their discomfort, accepting and validating what they feel, so that they can share and create a narrative that orders their experience. In this way, the experience, even if painful, will not become traumatic.”

Silva adds that, often, a child who has felt deficiencies and absences when faced with an ideal image of a mother that is confronted with what she actually was, as an adult will not know where to place this need and may end up rejecting it. However, understanding that she did “everything possible at her level of consciousness” allows it to be reconverted: “You gain something invaluable, the opportunity to return a benevolent gaze towards the mother. Feeling loved, valuable, and liberated because you understand that she gave you her best.”

If despite this work, the mother (or family) “invalidates, criticizes, invades, and hurts in subtle ways,” then Romeu has the answer: “Setting boundaries with family is difficult, sometimes it involves taking distance or changing the way you relate, and in some cases, even breaking the bond, which in the social sphere generates a lot of criticism because it is not well regarded... But this is also self-care.”