Mothers and daughters, from love to hate

BarcelonaThere is a poem published in the book You look prettier when you smile, by Georgina Hudson, who says that a daughter raised by a mother unable to tune into her needs loses her voice. She learns that she cannot speak No, because this leads to rejection; that she cannot express her anger, because it condemns her to isolation; that she cannot love any other maternal figure, nor have any close friends, for fear of arousing her jealousy. She lives with the fear that her rage might explode without warning, like a volcanic flood of words or a terrifying withdrawal. Ultimately, the daughter learns that it is not safe to be herself, and so she tries to become what she thinks her mother wants her to be. This pattern does not end in childhood unless the daughter, as an adult, learns to reclaim her voice and set boundaries, which involves grieving for the mother she would have needed and never had.

Much has been written about the complicated relationship between mothers and daughters. In the recent book Notes from inside the whale (Lumen, 2025), writer Ave Barrera analyzes the relationship between a mother and a daughter who has had to flee her home to find herself, although not without experiencing an internal conflict. "Being a daughter is walking in the opposite direction, fleeing in the opposite direction to destiny without knowing that, by fleeing, we are fulfilling the prophecy," she writes.

Both boys and girls can suffer emotional disorders when raised by a parent with narcissistic tendencies. However, as Karyl McBride, author of the book, points out Mothers who do not know how to love, The mother is a daughter's primary role model for developing as an individual, a woman, a lover, a mother, and a friend. "A narcissistic mother views her daughter as an extension of herself, rather than as an independent person with her own identity. She pressures her to act and react to the world just as she would. Because of this, this daughter will always struggle to find the 'right' way to respond to her mother in order to gain her love and approval," she writes.

Obviously, not all mother-daughter relationships are complicated. Everything depends on the parent's history, her emotional and communicative abilities, and her family and cultural context. "It's often a relationship fraught with expectations that can hinder emotional freedom and foster patterns of dependency, overprotection, or invalidation," explains Marta Segrelles. author of the book Dear Mom, you hurt me.(Bruguera, 2024).

According to the psychologist, in patriarchal societies like ours, women have an assigned role of caring, pleasing, and being the emotional breadwinners of the family. These expectations fall heavily on mothers, who then, consciously or not, pass them on to their daughters, which can create very symbiotic bonds where it is difficult to find one's own space and autonomy. "Daughters can grow up with the burden of wanting to be good daughters and, at the same time, with the need to get rid of a model that may have been suffocating," Segrelles points out. It is this inherited tension, then, that makes the relationship between mothers and daughters more fraught with conflict and contradictions.

When the relationship is toxic

Sometimes this relationship, which is vertical by nature, in which the mother, as an adult, occupies or should occupy a position of responsibility and emotional leadership, becomes blurred and fails to assume her role, causing the daughter to replace her, resulting in a dysfunctional dynamic. "This creates a whole range of bonds that need to be adjusted; such as mothers who don't admit that their daughters are already adults; mothers who burden their daughters with their own frustrations, who excessively control them and seek a confidant in emotional and marital conflicts; and even narcissistic mothers who don't see the needs of others." In short, a "toxic mother" is one who fails to recognize, denies, and invalidates her daughter's experience.

All this inequality affects and alters the balance of the relationship and makes it more likely that the daughter will later develop dysfunctional relationships with others if she isn't aware of it. She may even end up repeating the same patterns when she becomes a mother: "Motherhood activates deep circuits of affection and emotional memory, and this can cause us to repeat behaviors we had sworn not to repeat," explains Segrelles. Many women are surprised to find themselves acting like their mother, despite wanting to do so in a completely different way. "It's the result of having built-in patterns, not of inconsistency or weakness," she asserts.

For all these reasons, Segrelles recommends setting boundaries and building a relationship in a timely manner, clearly stating what we tolerate and what we don't, so we know where we want to relate and at what intensity. "This may mean limiting contact, reducing conversations, sometimes with more superficial topics and without much emotional intimacy, and, in more serious cases, even ending the relationship temporarily or permanently," she points out.

In any case, the psychologist believes it's necessary to go further and go through a grieving process for the mother we haven't had and accept the one we have. "It's one of the most difficult, painful, and at the same time liberating processes: accepting that the maternal figure we imagined and needed may never exist in our reality," she continues. Of course, making peace with our history "doesn't mean resigning ourselves, but rather stopping fighting to change it and starting to take care of ourselves based on what we can build," she adds.

Sometimes this reconciliation occurs precisely when the daughter becomes a mother and begins to understand the demands and wounds her mother carried. "Reconciling with one's mother doesn't always mean getting closer to her, but rather reinterpreting the bond from a more mature, realistic, and compassionate perspective, both with her and with oneself," Segrelles continues.

Heavy mothers

There are other mothers who aren't toxic, but are somewhat "annoying." But what exactly does it mean to be a "annoying" mother? "We often talk about a mother who insists on being present, giving her opinion, controlling small details, and seeking a continuous emotional connection, even when her daughter is already an adult," explains Segrelles. This attitude, which may seem harmless, protective, and caring, often hides a difficulty accepting the natural process of separation and loss of bonding.

"I like to talk about families who live in houses where the doors are, symbolically, open or closed," she compares. It may be the case that the mother insists on keeping the door open and being aware of everything that happens, or that she keeps the door closed and believes everything that happens belongs only to you, and that she never takes responsibility. "There is no balance between proximity and autonomy, when the daughter should be able to close the door if she needs to and open it freely, not out of obligation," reflects the psychologist, who often has to provide therapy to daughters who feel "ungrateful" for needing space and assuming their internal role as a parent.

Ultimately, it's about building a bond in which both can relate without stepping on each other's toes, without absorbing or being absorbed. "The foundation of any healthy mother-daughter relationship is emotional security, the ability to feel loved, acknowledged, and accepted as one is without fear of being judged, controlled, or rejected," says Segrelles. And this security is born when the mother can emotionally support her daughter, respecting her individuality and adapting to her evolving needs with flexibility and empathy.

When all this is possible, the relationship between a mother and daughter can be a great source of self-esteem and become a safe place to retreat to during good times and difficult times, "with the peace of mind of being able to go their own way without it breaking the bond," she concludes.