When conflicts with other parents reach the classroom
Experts warn that children's well-being is severely affected when feuding families do not manage their conflict adequately
Girona“Children not only feel conflict, they breathe it.” Psychologist Javier Wilhelm, specialized in mediation and conciliation, highlights that when two families go through a conflict situation and their children share a class, this has a direct implication on the well-being of the minors. The school can play an important role as a link between the parties, but the key factor that will determine the extent of the consequences are the families involved. The way they manage their disagreement – with the emotions it entails – can lead to a serious distancing between the children and, among the adults, open a communication abyss.
“Children do not need to witness an explicit fight. Even if we say nothing in front of them, they perceive the tension that exists at school, at home, in the street, or even in a shop. They detect if adults greet each other or not, if there is antipathy or discomfort between them, or if, in a party setting, parents avoid each other,” corroborates Wilhelm.
Pere – a fictitious name for a father who prefers to remain anonymous – is experiencing a situation of estrangement with another father after a conflict that arose a year ago between them outside of school, which almost led them to court, and was finally resolved with a last-minute agreement, just one day before the trial. “I have explained my version to my son, obviously adapted to his way of understanding it. I have also told him that realities can be very diverse and that this is how I perceive it, but that everyone feels what they feel.”
In the first meetings after the disagreement, the discomfort between them was evident. Pere confesses that his heart even "raced" when they coincided at birthday parties or at the entrances and exits of the school, as their children go to the same class.
According to Wilhelm, "children read non-verbal language much better than we do and understand the message when there are troublesome ties or complicated friendships."
According to experts, it is best if there are no conflicts between families, but if there are, the most recommended thing is to “naturalize” and “repair” what has happened. “Apologize to your child, if it has caused a grievance, even if they say no, and leave the door open for them to express themselves about how they experienced it,” states psychologist and mediator Javier Wilhelm. The worst thing of all is silence and thinking that they haven't noticed. Putting words to it is important. “Adult versions are not needed, but rather to make sense of what has happened.” Nor is it necessary to make them see that they have to fix it. “We cannot ask a child to understand what we as adults do not understand,” says this psychologist.
This friction between adults, although initially it belongs exclusively to the realm of parents, ends up – in a way – splashing into the children's daily lives. “My son used to ask me to go play at his friend's house, and now he doesn't anymore,” laments Pere. And what does the psychologist say? “The conflict between adults puts ice on the relationship and the spaces for sharing are reduced. It may seem like a trifle, but for children, friendship, trust, and a sense of belonging are important.”
A forced adaptation
Faced with this circumstance, the child will have no other option than to adapt to a situation they have not chosen. Rather, they will have to over-adapt; that is, accept them with pain and emotional cost. "Over-adaptation is when a child gets used to setting aside what they feel or need to please their parents or avoid them problems. This can lead to them having difficulty expressing what is happening to them over time, setting boundaries, knowing what they want, and feeling valuable without always pleasing others," emphasizes Wilhelm.
In the case of adolescents, from the age of ten they can also feel ashamed of their parents when they star in these types of scenes. “It is that external gaze, what will others think...” They become alert even before it happens, which causes them a lot of emotional wear and tear. A child or adolescent must be calm and not overwhelmed by a conflict they do not control and which belongs to adults,” warns this expert. Furthermore, children and adolescents can come to believe that they are to blame for the situation because, according to Wilhelm, “children put themselves at the center of things that happen in their environment: ‘at my birthday they argued or because of me there is this problem...’”.
In some cases, children and adolescents end up assuming the role of mediators between adults, which, according to specialists, is a “bestial mistake”. “The minor will be facing a situation that does not belong to them within the family space and they should not be in the middle of the conflict either. You are invading your child's world with your problems that you do not know how to solve as an adult,” comments Wilhelm.
Conflicts between parents from diverse families can have external causes, but, unfortunately, according to Montserrat Pòrtulas, a member of the AFA of the Castellum school in Sant Julià de Ramis, “many – even though the school's administration has ended up resolving them – begin with episodes of physical or verbal violence between children”. No cases have been detected at this Girona school, but Pòrtulas emphasizes that aggression between minors is a reality in our society and also in schools. “Let's not fool ourselves”.In extracurricular activities, such as football, it is evident how, even when playing for the same team, there are parents who position themselves far apart in the stands to avoid interacting. “The children perceive this... And these are the teams that don't work,” admits Marçal Noguer, coordinator of Football Leagues for the Alt Empordà Sports Council. “Parents prioritize competition far above development, when they should accompany their child to football and, at most, cheer and go home, happy that they have played,” highlights Noguer, who is also the coordinator of the Bàscara Football Club. The competitive spirit, of both parents and children, becomes more evident as the children get older. Families contribute, in part, to this competition. “There are parents who want to be coaches and demand things from the minor, and give them instructions that confuse their child because they don't know who to listen to: the coach or their father,” he concludes.
For her part, Núria Puigmal, coach for families and psychophysical therapist, recalls that, “even if two adults cannot stand each other or feel a lot of anger, a motivation to understand each other can be to do it for the children”. Before reaching this point, however, “one must first want the connection and not get stuck in the emotion”. Furthermore, she highlights that non-violent communication can be of great help: “Avoiding speaking only from the 'I', making the proposal to meet, and accepting that the other person can say yes or no” are some of her recommendations.
In this context, adults inevitably become “modulators” of children. This is assured by Montserrat Castelló, director of the Vedruna Gràcia School in Barcelona. “If parents experience the situation badly, the child will have more difficulty finding a solution, but if the adults explain to each other how they feel, they have been able to listen to the other version, and, if necessary, have a restorative conversation with the help of the school's management, everything is easier”. Surely, the rough edges will eventually be smoothed out.
The school, as a general rule, should be a safe space, where children do not have to manage complex emotional geography or feel that everyday decisions – such as who to play with – can have consequences. To guarantee this, the Escola Vedruna Gràcia in Barcelona, in the event of detecting a conflict between families, would apply the same protocol as in situations of separation between parents. “Firstly, the school's dynamic must not be altered by anything, nor should that of any worker, much less that of the children,” specifies the director, Montserrat Castelló. They would also not allow children to change class groups at the request of families. “Group mixing is done following pedagogical criteria, that is, taking into account their well-being, learning, and coexistence among classmates. It is the teaching teams who decide this, not the families,” emphasizes Castelló. An attitude of collaboration and trust with the school is key to guaranteeing the well-being of children and preserving a safe and stable educational environment.
Now that some time has passed, Pere admits that he wouldn't mind his son's friend coming to his house to play. “I try to minimize the situation as much as possible so that our children are friends, but inevitably, there is something that, for me, is insurmountable –he confesses–. With the father present at home, for now, I would feel uncomfortable.” But there are always alternatives: “If necessary, I offer to take his son home when they finish playing; I'm sorry that the two children can't play outside of school,” he admits.
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