Vanesa Fernández: "I tend to find a lot more conflicts between teenage son and father."

BarcelonaThere are three stages of adolescence: early, around age 11; middle, between ages 13 and 16; and late, between ages 16 and 18. These intervals are approximate.

Why does adolescence have such a bad reputation?

— It's a complicated stage because it requires saying goodbye to a large part of what your son or daughter has been, even if their essence remains. It's necessary to accept that you no longer have a child. Some parents struggle with grieving and insist on maintaining a rigid approach to parenting. This usually doesn't work and leads to conflicts at home, conflicts that are compounded by the adolescent's emotional changes and growing need for independence. If not managed properly, this creates a negative atmosphere at home.

And in your case? What have you started to notice in your oldest son?

— Everything. Physically, he's no longer a child, but a young man in the midst of development. Psychologically, he's more defensive of what he considers his, more irritable, and loves being with his group of friends, who are currently his main role model. He's much more critical of my opinions because he has his own. But I also have to tell you that he's an exceptional teenager who gets along well.

What do you think your teenager does well?

— Far from the uncompromising attitude with which other children his age defend their ideas, my son has a great ability to flex his own muscles, if you can give him good arguments. He's certainly less communicative now than he was when he was a child, but I feel he still looks to me as his primary point of reference when things aren't going well, and that's important.

Despite the drawbacks, adolescence also has advantages, right?

— Yes. You have a more mature person by your side who can help you. They want to learn new things and push their limits. They can accompany you on new experiences. They offer you new perspectives on things. They help you with technological aspects. They challenge you and force you to keep learning. They push you to change your habits and take you out of your comfort zone. And, above all, you don't have to spend all day caring for them; they learn on their own, and that gives you more time for yourself.

Tell me about a situation you experienced.

— Recently, he wanted a 14-year-old friend of his to cut his hair. I refused, and he accused me of social isolation. He used his full repertoire of emotional blackmail techniques, but I remained adamant. Two days later, he came back to tell me how lucky I was that I had refused; he had seen the friend cut another boy's hair, and it had turned out terribly.

What about passive teenagers, that is, the younger siblings of teenagers?

— The younger child has the advantage of finding doors opened by the older sibling and understands much better how conflicts with parents arise. At the same time, the parents have also learned and are better prepared to deal with the adolescence of their younger children. This is often the case, but not always.

There is a myth that, in terms of gender, the worst combination is a mother and a teenage daughter.

— Absolutely not. I completely disagree. In fact, in my professional practice, I often encounter conflicts between children and parents, as parents often project themselves onto their children to avoid mistakes they made, and when the child ignores them, conflicts arise.

So, in some cases, are the parents the real problem?

— This is especially true when they don't accept their children's growth. When they are controlling. When they don't know how to flex their parenting guidelines. When they don't know how to resolve conflicts or are overly authoritarian. When they have never been present and find that, when their children reach adolescence, they don't really know them. When they haven't invested quality time in their child.

Mothers and fathers have phrases we love to repeat. What are yours?

— Serenity is staying calm during the storm. You're the mother, the first person who teaches your child how to give and receive affection. What did I think of my parents at their age?