Women who lash out and men who look the other way

I recently experienced a shocking situation with a fellow panelist on a television talk show. A woman had come into the studio and explained that she belongs to an association of mothers with children with disabilities. I was surprised that it was an association only for mothers, and during a break, I approached her to find out why. When this colleague realized my intentions, he uttered an ironic, "Go ahead and harass her," which left me speechless.

I didn't say anything to him and spoke with the guest, who explained that this was because 90% of parents who care for children with disabilities are women. I went back, told my tablemate, and he blurted out that he also cares for a family member with a high degree of dependency. And I know that's true, and I know it's a very difficult situation and very commendable that he does it. But that doesn't change the fact that women are still 90% of the caregivers for children with disabilities. It doesn't matter. The man didn't apologize for the playful remark and remained firmly entrenched in his position.

Days have passed, and the nagging feeling hasn't left me. Because it burned me up inside. Because it still burns me up inside. It burns me up so much that so many progressive men, faced with anything that even sounds like feminism, react first with attack (albeit in a seemingly innocent, joking tone) or defense (the odious #notallmen, the impulse to clarify that not them, no, not them). Why didn't this fellow diner, who's experiencing something similar, come with me to ask? Didn't he want to find out if the association was only for mothers because it excluded men, or because it was primarily a task undertaken by women to denounce their injustice? Instead of that curiosity, he preferred to throw the dart and accuse me of harassment. Because it's clear that for him, my impulse (and therefore, the impulse of feminists) is this: to lash out, attack, flagellate, punish, lash out, and start again. Against whom? Against men in general.

Feminism is not about flagellating men.

And look, no. I'm embarrassed to have to clarify this, because we're adults with a certain level of education, but no. This isn't it. Feminism isn't about flagellating men; it's about attacking the fucking patriarchal system. And I say this with such anger because it's by getting angry that, instead of interest and solidarity, we receive suspicion and shitty jokes. We live in a world that makes the Pelicot case possible, where news of sexist attacks pops up everywhere, where we've already forgotten the story of the Telegram group of 100,000 men in Portugal who were exchanging photos of their naked partners without their consent, where women die from sexist crimes. And where the mental and daily burden of caregiving still falls on us. But when we show interest in the issue, we're considered harassers. If it were for any other global cause, no problem, but for feminism, not even water, just garbage. And if in the previous article I asked myself "Where are the men?", here I can't help but wonder what's happening to many of them, because honestly, I don't understand it.