Arantxa Marenyà: "When we want to be right, we actually need recognition, listening, empathy, and connection with the other"

BarcelonaArantxa Marenyà studied translation and interpretation and worked as an English teacher in secondary school, but years ago she trained in nonviolent communication, a discipline that proposes an empathic approach to managing conflicts and improving relationships. Now she dedicates herself to training on this method, which is based on speaking from needs and not from criticism and which, she says, could make the world a kinder place.

What is nonviolent communication?

— Nonviolent communication is another type of relationship with the world, closer, more human, showing your vulnerability and connecting with you.

And where does your interest in nonviolent communication come from?

— It all began in 2007. I was a secondary school teacher in a very difficult high school, where there were complicated situations. I was 23 years old and my colleagues told me that I had to be very tough with the students. But I did it and the problems continued and the worst thing is that I left class even more desperate, because this tough role doesn't suit me. Then I looked for some resource to better manage that situation and that's when I discovered non-violent communication. I did a weekend training, and that totally changed my vision of those adolescents.

Why?

— I started to have much closer, more authentic relationships with them. My class became the noisiest, but also the one where beautiful things happened. And I enjoyed myself. There was no longer that tension. I didn't touch on the topic of non-violent communication again until 2016 when I became a mother and started training again. I realized that I was repeating many learned patterns, that I related in a way that perhaps wasn't what I wanted, and I began a process of personal growth through non-violent communication, which I became passionate about. I wanted a model for relating that suited me better.

Do you mean a family model?

— No, a general communication model to relate to the people around me, whether it's my children, my partner, my mother, or you. I wanted a way to communicate very differently from what I had experienced and what I had seen in my environment.

When we communicate, is something failing?

— It fails that we focus so much on the other. We focus on good and evil and judge. We make a value judgment of everything, or almost everything. We focus a lot on what the other does wrong and on complaining. And for me, it fails that there is little self-connection.

Many everyday discussions are of the type: "I said this, you said that." How do you get out of here?

— It's that we are not listening to each other. Many times there are two people with a great need to express themselves and little capacity to listen. Because when you have something inside that is burning you, you really need to express it because it's a way to release emotion. Then, when we have a conflict and we are in distress, –and I think, moreover, we have many accumulated conflicts, which we don't express and, therefore, we are burdened– we start to speak ill of others. Because you have a great need to express yourself. And the more you need to express yourself, the less capacity you have to listen. A conflict occurs with two people in distress and with a great need to express themselves. And, therefore, there is almost no capacity to listen.

Is there a lot of will to always be right?

— Yes. This is another one. Every reactive pattern we have –and wanting to be right is one of them– is the expression of a need. I believe that when we want to be right, we have a need for recognition, for being heard, perhaps for empathy, for understanding, even for connection with others. And the way we have learned to achieve this, because it sometimes works, is by being agreed with.

It's a way for you to be validated.

— Maybe so. And it shows that you don't know more. And maybe you don't even know the need you have for recognition, and then you go on all your life wanting to be right.

With nonviolent communication, do they realize all of this?

— Yes, when people start to understand and apply this type of communication, they suddenly feel a "wow!". Because when you recognize the need, you can question your strategy. And you realize that perhaps now you don't need to go around trying to be right in the world, but rather you can do it in another way. Because, since you recognize the need, a lot of possibilities open up for you. Because this person who is seeking recognition, wanting to be right, normally ends up with a lot of frustration because they find just the opposite. It's as if suddenly they give you a very clear map. They are four steps that, if you put your focus on them, you manage to understand yourself. And at first it's very revealing.

What steps are they?

— The first is observation and it is about knowing how to separate interpretation from reality. We must question our interpretations and not buy them as truth. Because if I start a conversation from my interpretation, and I believe it to be true, I have a high chance that it will escalate into an argument. I find this first step fantastic. It is very revealing. The second is to differentiate feeling from thought. And this helps to gradually absolve the other person and move forward to understand what is happening to me. And the third is the need, which here must be differentiated from strategy. When we confuse need with strategy, we often become demanding. If I think that talking to you now is my need, if you don't do it, I get angry. And then demandingness enters. We think that others, especially partners and very close people, must meet our needs. But it is not their obligation. You meet your own needs. And then, the last step is the request. It is asking for what I would like the other person to do, or asking myself what I would like to do to make my life more beautiful. The four steps are: observation, feeling, need, and request.

Is there any conflict that repeats a lot?

— It is very difficult for us to say no. There is a tendency to please others. Too often we say yes and would like to say no, but what we need to see is what is behind this. I believe it is a desperate strategy to take care of needs. Needs for belonging, for love, perhaps for connection. But really, not saying no isn't taking care of me; what's happening is that I don't know how to do it any other way.

Do we find it hard to say what we want?

— Yes, it's hard for me to ask. To get to making a request. There are many beliefs associated with asking that tell us it's bothering the other person, that if I ask I'll incur debt, that if you ask for a favor you have to return it, that asking is bothering, that asking is selfish... There is a lot of difficulty when it comes to asking, in general. In all the workshops, I would say there is a 30% of people who find it hard to say no and find it hard to ask. And another problem is not knowing how to listen, too.

What should we do when we feel unwell? How do we communicate it?

— There are two types of people when faced with discomfort: one is the one who ends up exploding, and the other is the one who, to avoid generating external conflict, ends up shutting up and imploding.

Does it end up coming out the other side?

— Yes, that's why you have to say no, you have to ask, because if we don't know how to express discomfort, we can explode, we can hurt, and we can fail to find spaces for listening, for connection, for real intimacy. It's very difficult.

We start from the idea that discussion is a negative thing. Is there a positive way to argue?

— I think so. Although it is clear that no one wants conflicts. Conflict is unpleasant in the moment. I, if I can, would choose not to have any. I prefer to live without conflict. But if it comes and we know how to manage it –and it will come, because in any relationship conflict is inherent, it is no longer just having different opinions, it is having different ways of solving things– it is better. In non-violent communication we say that conflict is a matter of strategy, of two strategies clashing, different ways of doing things. When we have a conflict, deep down what we want is for people to understand us. And behind any conflict there is a very big "please". If we understand that "please" and can find ways that care for both or all three parties, we will be stronger. Conflict is neither good nor bad, but without resources it is a disaster.

And in the digital world, how are we communicating?

— I see that it is a reflection of what we have in our daily lives but worse, because I believe there are certain permissions that people take, because they can hide in anonymity, which makes communication more violent. On social networks, the disaster that exists on the street is magnified. There is much more disrespect for others. On social networks, we listen even less than in, let's say, real life. We dare to make more judgments, more criticisms...

Since the person is not there, I dare more.

— Exactly, it is like that. And it can lead to a lot of discomfort. And it is a discomfort that is getting stronger and stronger.

If you had to give one piece of advice to try and communicate better, what would it be?

— I would give a couple. I would say that they start to detect if they have automatic mechanisms in a conversation, such as if they give unsolicited advice, if they want to solve the other person's life, if they always tell their story when someone is talking... We often tend to interrupt others, to tell our story, to minimize, to distract. If we have a tendency to do this, we must try to avoid it and try to really listen to the other person, and not to what you want to say about it. The other advice would be to detect their complaints and try to turn them into a request. This can greatly improve relationships with others. It's very tiring to be with people who complain and don't ask, because, moreover, you live with tension, because you think, oh dear, how can I make them feel better. Many people complain, but they don't know what they want. Introspection is needed to know what request I want to make.

What would improve if we learned to communicate well?

— I believe there would be no wars. Instead of training ourselves in war, we would train ourselves in peace. The purpose of this type of communication is for there to be a kinder world. And more loving. I believe there would be better relationships, much more connected people and kinder relationships, much more beautiful.