The three ingredients for a relationship to work

If there were a mathematical formula for a relationship to work, we would have patented it years ago. But love has the bad habit of resisting recipes. Nevertheless, there are theories that, without providing absolute answers, help us understand why some relationships thrive and others end up deflating.

One of the most classic and one I like the most is psychologist Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love, which in the nineties proposed that relationships are built on three pillars: intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Intimacy is much more than living together or telling each other what you did during the day. It's feeling that the other person truly knows you, it's sharing quality time, and it's having a trust that allows you to show the parts of yourself that you don't expose to just anyone. 

Passion often causes confusion, because it does not refer solely to sexual desire. As Sternberg defines it, this passion involves continuing to look at the other with admiration, with curiosity, with desire, finding them attractive, and keeping alive that interest that prevents the relationship from becoming just a logistical formality.

And then there is commitment. Perhaps the least romantic of the three, and the one that seems most obvious, but also the one that sustains the relationship when the other two fluctuate. It is the decision to care for the bond, to get involved in it, and to adapt to circumstances. 

No relationship maintains these three ingredients in the same proportion throughout life. There will be stages with more passion, others with more intimacy, or moments when commitment will be what holds the structure. There is no perfect relationship, but there are relationships that understand that loving is not just feeling and letting yourself be carried away, but also choosing, building, and working.