When a relationship ends, we often look for quick fixes to stop suffering: zero contact, staying busy, going out more, deleting photos. And all of this can help. But the reality is that there is no magic key to getting over a breakup.
Perhaps the first question is: what exactly does it mean to "get over" someone? Does it mean stop loving them? Never wanting them back? Being able to forgive? Rebuilding your own life? The truth is that it's usually a mix of all these things. But, above all, getting over a breakup usually has more to do with understanding than forgetting.
Understanding what happened. Understanding what we needed. Understanding why that relationship wasn't working, even when there was love. And, especially, understanding why it's so hard for us to let go. Building a narrative that makes sense to us, a narrative that we can emotionally integrate.
It is also important to assume that a breakup is a process, not a decision made overnight. And emotional processes are rarely linear. There will be days when we seem to be better and others when we will suddenly feel anger, sadness, or hope again.
For years we have talked about the "stages of grief": denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But more and more professionals explain that they do not work like screens that we overcome in order. They are rather emotional places we have to go through, not in a specific order, more like tasks.
So, pain obviously needs time, and it needs to go through certain emotions, but above all it needs to be given meaning.
