"The first and second years are the hardest": How to survive the summer after a separation with children

BarcelonaNot all summers are the same. Some force us to adapt to a new personal reality and leave behind the habits we've had until then. One of these situations occurs when, after a recent separation, we face the first summer without our children or the family life we've built over the past few years. These circumstances aren't always easy, and emotions often run high. Acting wisely in moments like these can be a real challenge—but it's by no means impossible.

For Judit March, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, one of the most important aspects is ensuring that the relationship and communication between parents is as cordial and fluid as possible. "I always say that children experience divorce just as their parents do," she says. Thus, if parents are convinced that separation is the best way to resolve family conflicts, they will convey this conviction to their children, which will give them greater security and make it easier to adapt to the changes. "Under no circumstances should emotional distress be passed on to children," she warns.

Another important point in providing security and stability to children, especially when they are younger, is to always maintain their routines and sleep and meal schedules. "This way, they won't notice many differences between vacations with one parent or the other and will feel more secure," March continues.

Maintain contact

Normally, each member's vacation is divided into fifteen-day periods. However, Montserrat Tur – lawyer, mediator and coach– recommends that, if the children are under six years old, it's best to agree on shorter breaks, between five days and a week at most, with each parent. This helps them gradually adapt to the changes and not miss the other parent excessively. It's also important to respect customs that are beneficial for the children: "If they're used to spending a few days at their grandparents' house, it's better to maintain that routine," Tur points out. In fact, she has seen cases where former couples have agreed to share a vacation period with their children to facilitate a smoother transition.

It's also important, according to the lawyer, to agree on what kind of leisure time the children will have while with each family member. "Parents should go on a one-to-one basis to avoid overloading the children with activities and also allow them to have rest periods," she emphasizes.

Especially during the first few years after a divorce or separation, experts recommend facilitating contact between children and their other parent, even if it's not on the scheduled days. "In addition to phone calls, weekday visits can also be arranged when they're very young to maintain the bond," explains March. Although it can be difficult, the psychologist also advises encouraging children to spend time with their other parent and maintain contact. "It's about showing maturity and letting go of anger and resentment, even though these can be particularly difficult in the early years," she adds.

"Sometimes we meet parents who tell us that making them call their children is because they feel very sad afterward and it generates very negative emotions," explains March. In these cases, the psychologist recommends making the call anyway and, once it's made, supporting the children in managing this emotion. "It's important to make them understand that we are with them unconditionally, that it's totally normal to feel sadness, and that, in fact, sadness tells us that we miss someone and that we love that person," she recommends.

Furthermore, experts recommend that the exchange be done calmly, without rushing or conflict, and always encouraging the children to go with the other parent. A common mistake, according to the psychologist, is asking children uncomfortable questions to obtain information or comment on their ex-partner. "Children have the right to maintain a positive image of their personal role models, without the dynamics between adults interfering with that bond," she emphasizes.

Another mistake that psychologists often detect is that many parents, to compensate for the lack of time they can dedicate to their children, tend to adopt overly permissive or overprotective attitudes. This manifests itself in some cases in the constant offering of rewards and material gifts that, in the long term, can hinder healthy development. "I always recommend that parents, instead of giving material objects, opt for social reinforcements and moments of connection. What children value most is spending quality time with their parents and feeling that they are truly present," explains March.

Think Positive

And what happens when a father or mother is left alone for a few days without their children? "Especially the first and second years are the most difficult," says the psychologist, who always recommends that parents try to see the positive side of the situation and take advantage of the opportunity to do those things they can't do when they have the children. "It's important to socialize, find a good place to unwind, and try to redirect their attention away from negative emotions such as longing or even distrust of what their ex-partner might be doing," she adds. Throughout her professional career, she has seen many mothers who come to her office with feelings of anxiety, worried that their children won't be okay with the father or that something might happen to them.

In this context, lawyer Montserrat Tur tries to downplay the situation: "If the relationship is healthy and normal, the children will always be in a safe environment and well cared for." Learning to trust the other parent and knowing that one has the freedom to call or visit one's children if necessary is a right that can be exercised. However, she also recommends taking advantage of these days to disconnect from parenting responsibilities and dedicate time to recreational activities. "At the end of the day, the best thing we can offer our children is for us to be well," she emphasizes.

Along the same lines, psychologist Judit March recommends consciously focusing on activities that promote self-care and help regain the pleasure of enjoying free time. "Women are not only mothers; we are also friends, professionals, daughters... We have diverse identities and we must allow ourselves to enjoy life beyond our maternal role," she concludes. According to March, recognizing and cultivating these other personal dimensions not only benefits one's own emotional well-being but also has a positive impact on one's child's upbringing. In other words, a balanced and happy adult transmits security, serenity, and love, essential values for the emotional development of children.