Should we avoid arguing in front of our children?

BarcelonaSurely you've thought of that couple who argues constantly, almost underwater. Arguments in public, and often in front of their children. Is this normal? Is it worrying? Is it serious? Should it be avoided or at least limited? Can the spectacle be harmful to the children? "First of all, it's important to clarify that arguing is not synonymous with fighting," he maintains. Marga Sala, a health psychologist specializing in anxiety and relationships, with a practice in Vic, adds: "Arguing is a healthy and necessary way of communicating within a couple. It allows you to express disagreements, adjust expectations, and get to know the other person better."

Is arguing always a good idea? When does it start to stop being so?

The professional emphasizes that the problem is not, therefore, the that (argue), but the as"When the tone is respectful and there's a willingness to listen, discussion can strengthen the relationship. On the other hand, when it turns into a power struggle, with reproaches or contempt, it can be very damaging." Therefore, he concludes that "what we should avoid are fights, not arguments." Argument, yes, as much as necessary; fight, no.

In front of third parties (children, family, friends...), should the couple avoid arguing?

Not carefully, within certain limits. Sala is blunt: "If it's a disagreement expressed respectfully and in a calm tone, it's fine to have a conversation in front of others, even if it may be slightly tense. Sometimes it's better to be able to express what we're feeling at that moment than to let it build up inside and then explode uncontrollably in private." However, all to a certain extent: "If tension starts to rise too much or we're talking about a topic that we know is sensitive within the relationship, it's better to wait until we have a moment alone to talk about it calmly." And without an audience.

What does this ongoing discussion reveal? Is it a symptom of something?

Not necessarily, but it can indicate that the foundations are shaky. "It depends on each couple," says Marga Sala, adding: "There are couples who often argue because the foundations of the relationship aren't well established. They don't share the same values or lifestyle, for example. These factors are often overlooked at the beginning of the relationship, but over time, failure becomes inevitable." She cites as examples the openness or lack thereof of the relationship, having children, ongoing communication, among other aspects.

After constant back-and-forth, there's a second possible scenario: a neglected relationship. "This can happen on both sides as well as on just one partner. When you've been living with someone for years—and especially after having children—the relationship can become more of a family dynamic than a couple's. If you miss out on time alone together, if you stop doing activities, or if communication is lost, this wears thin on the relationship and can lead to a disconnect."

How do you keep discussions under control?

The specialist offers three keys: do activities as a couple, talk a lot, and communicate openly. And a lifeline, too: "If you reach a point where unhealthy dynamics begin to develop, it's important to seek couples therapy as soon as possible." Before it's too late.

How does it affect children when their parents argue in front of them? Can it be harmful? Does it make sense to hide it altogether?

There's no need to hide a reasonable and respectful discussion from them. "What children really perceive and are affected by," the psychologist points out, "is the lack of respect, seeing that you don't work as a team as a couple, the yelling, and, in general, the lack of communication or trust. If the relationship is vertical, with unbalanced power, in which one member dominates more than the other, that also affects them because they learn relationship patterns." And this stays with them and they often reproduce it as adults.