Why do they get along worse with parents than with other adults?

Barcelona“So far, things were going great, but you arrived and it all started to go wrong.” This is the typical comment grandparents make when we go to pick up the children. Sometimes we interpret that the child behaves worse with their parents, but, as Dr. Montse Arellano, a neuropediatrician from the pediatric service at Hospital Universitari Mútua Terrassa, points out, in many cases the opposite is true: "It is with them that they feel much more secure”. Children spend a large part of the day striving to adapt to school, with other adults, with friends... And there – Arellano states – they tend to behave more reservedly because there are rules and less trust to express what they feel. In reality, a boy or girl letting loose in the presence of their parents and not others, she points out, is usually "a reflection of emotional security", given that they know they are in a trusted environment where they can show themselves as they are, even when they are tired or overwhelmed.

In what situations does this overwhelm become particularly evident?

Dr. Arellano points out that they are evident at times when the child is more tired or overstimulated, when picking them up from school, at the end of the day, in new situations such as a trip or in key transitions, such as starting school or the arrival of a sibling. "They also appear when something particularly frustrates or angers them," she states. In all these cases, the child turns to their parents as a "safe place" in which to vent. In the words of the neuropediatrician, it is no coincidence, but rather that at that moment "the child feels that they can let go of everything accumulated during the day".

What kind of situations can be triggered in all these assumptions?

The most common ones are those related to emotional release: crying, tantrums, shouting, opposition, and even more restlessness or hyperactivity. Arellano gives the example of a child who has been very well-behaved all day and who may start crying for no apparent reason upon seeing their parents, or become irritable and say "no" to everything. Other children, she explains, react "with difficulty staying still or more impulsive behaviors".

Are there certain ages when this phenomenon is more evident?

Yes, especially in children between two and five years old. And it is that, as Dr. Arellano points out, they are ages "in which they do not know how to regulate their emotions, and also in which tantrums appear". Afterwards, she clarifies, it is no longer so frequent or intense: "It appears, but in a different way. It takes on a form more of discussion, defiance or oppositional behavior."

Why are they unable to regulate their behavior once this containment is "unlocked"?

Because at that moment they are overwhelmed and still don't know how to calm down on their own. “When the emotion comes out it is very intense and they find it very difficult to stop; it's as if it gets out of their hands,” emphasizes the doctor, who also insists that they do not do it on purpose or to attract attention in a negative way. At that moment, they simply need the adult to help them calm down because they don't know how to do it by themselves, and it is for this reason that they seek out their parents as a priority, because, according to Arellano, they are the ones who can help them understand what they are feeling and calm down.

Is there any reason that explains why this behavior is more pronounced in the maternal figure?

"It usually happens with the person with whom the child has the most relationship and trust on a daily basis," states Arellano. Many times, he points out, it is usually the mother simply because she has been more present or is their main point of reference.

How can we build this bond and this availability during their first years of upbringing?

The bond must be woven day by day. There is no magic formula. Children, Arellano recalls, need to know that we are available, that we respond when they need us, and that their emotions have a place, even the more difficult ones. “You don't have to do it perfectly, just be there”, she insists. And she gives a couple of examples: if a child falls and cries, one should avoid saying nothing is wrong, without further ado, but rather approach them and ask if they are hurt; if they have a tantrum because they are unable to do something, instead of getting angry directly, one should help them put words to what is happening to them. For Arellano, in quiet moments it is also important to dedicate small, but quality, periods of time to play with them without distractions and to listen to them when they explain something, "no matter how simple it may be or one thinks it is irrelevant”. And, afterwards, when they get overwhelmed, maintain calm. “It is not always easy –points out the neuropediatrician–, but for the adult not to explode it helps a lot for the child to learn to regulate themselves.”