Gloria Labay Rodríguez: "The pain of non-motherhood is a taboo"

BarcelonaNon-motherhood is also a grief, a grief that tends to be silenced. Midwife Gloria Labay has suffered it and explains in her new book, Ser sin ser madre (Lunwerg), how she has experienced it from a double perspective: that of a woman who wanted to be a mother and could not, and that of a midwife who has spent years accompanying the motherhood of other women.

She has experienced seven years of attempts to be a mother, four miscarriages, and an adoption process that was cut short when she was deemed "unsuitable." After this ordeal, who is Gloria Labay today?

— I thought that one of the identities I would develop in this life would be this maternal role, because it was something I had desired since I was very young. When this doesn't happen, a kind of personal reinvention is necessary, because you had put a lot of energy into the process. It is also a surprise, because you also don't know how the space you had planned for this role will be filled. When it all ends, at least in my case and also in that of many women I accompany, you are very sad, defeated, you are grieving, a life project collapses, and this requires time, it doesn't happen overnight.

Is it more difficult to manage this grief as a midwife and, therefore, accompanying other women in childbirth?

— The moment you are having losses and see that you cannot is complicated, but not only as a midwife, but also in other jobs that are in contact with children, such as teachers, pediatricians or nurses. It was hard for me, but it also made me more aware that in maternity not everything always ends well. Once I got out of my grief, I focused on this, on the fact that maternity does not always work out for all women and that these families also need to be accompanied.

Acknowledge that for a long time she put on a shield and acted "as if nothing had happened". Why do we find it so hard socially to talk about the grief of non-motherhood?

— There is a bit of a taboo, because being fertile is the norm in nature: animals are fertile. The fact that you are not is like being marked, and that is a slap in the ego, in a way it makes you ashamed. I see a patriarchal undertone, because we think that women, as females, must reproduce, and if you don't reproduce you are like a broken toy. It's a taboo, and it's harder to express your feelings around it. The people around you also don't have the tools to help you. It's a conversation that has never been had publicly, and all of that makes it a bit stigmatized and closed within you.

What was the turning point that led her to say "Enough is enough, I can't have children"?

— I had tried everything with my eggs with donor eggs... I had already suffered enough, and what's more, adoption didn't work out. As I say in the book, I retreated to my room to lick my wounds because I was already, I had lost hope on the path.

Fertility clinics publish data that convey great success and safety with new techniques. Do you think this generates a false sense that one can have total control over biology?

— It is true that currently many babies are born thanks to these techniques –around 10% of the total babies born in Spain per year–, meaning they are effective, but not for everyone. There is also a portion of women who leave assisted reproduction without a child.

In his book he states that "accepting non-motherhood is a vital milestone, there is a before and an after". What would you say to a woman who is currently trapped in the loop of trying again and again?

— There is no single piece of advice for everyone, but if you are really losing your enthusiasm and simply staying there as if it were an addiction or because you cannot imagine another way of life, I would think about looking for role models who have already gone through this, a mutual support group. In the end, having a child is certainly super nice, but there are many more ways to be in life, to give your love or your time.

It is defined as "the midwife of women without children who give birth to themselves." What does it mean to give birth to oneself?

— Many times we want to have a child to give it love, help it grow, love it or accompany it, but perhaps that child will never come. But there is one that is here, and that is you yourself. Women have the habit of not taking enough care of ourselves because we take care of other people. Giving birth to yourself means turning your eyes towards yourself and accompanying yourself in this process, fulfilling other desires that have been left behind, and giving yourself everything you would give to a child.

In 2018, she founded the network La Vida Sin Hijos. What do women who come to her community and can't find outside most need to share?

— So the first thing is to find a space to talk about it without being given magic advice or having your pain minimized. Since they are women who are grieving the fact of not being mothers, they validate each other, they validate this pain. There is respect when you have an environment that understands what is happening, it makes you let go a little of all those emotions you had repressed – sadness, shame – and you start to talk. And that's how grief works.

Asks that the health system have more psychologists specifically trained in this field. What is the worst well-intentioned phrase that women going through this situation have had to hear or continue to hear?

— There are people who think this is not grief or that you are taking too long to move on, and they say to you, "Are you still like this?". A psychologist told me that I had an idealized motherhood. She used to tell me: "I am a mother and it's not a big deal." These pieces of advice did not help me. People who do therapy with other people who accompany in these processes must be well-trained because it is not only about not having the child, but you will not have the role of mother nor will you ever be a grandmother. Annual calendars, for example, are based on children: school holidays, Christmas... And you feel like you are no longer playing in that league.

Have you felt excluded by society for not having children?

— There are many exclusions, even work-related ones. They tell you: "You, because you don't have children, cannot take your vacation during these specific months," and you think: "Gosh, maybe my partner has to take it during this time." People with children have priority at work and in other circumstances. Not having children doesn't mean they don't have responsibilities, because, for example, they might have elderly parents.

Was it worth it, the path that had to be traveled to be able to write this book?

— Yes, although you can't choose it either. This is what happened to me, this was my path in life. In the end you have to love life as it is and not live with your eyes on the past. Really this path has also brought me many gifts. I have met a lot of fantastic women and the book is only bringing me good things. In the end, any life is worth living, isn't it?