Is he overly demanding? How can I help him?

BarcelonaWhen a child, or rather, a teenager, sets excessively high standards for themselves, fears making mistakes, and suffers from not meeting the expectations they believe others have, we're talking about excessive demands or, as professionals know it, dysfunctional perfectionism. This shouldn't be confused with its healthy counterpart. Adaptive self-demand leads to better performance, both academically and athletically, as well as in other areas of a young person's life, because it fosters a desire for constant improvement, develops responsibility and commitment, and ultimately leads to better organization and intrinsic motivation. However, if it's dysfunctional, it affects and conditions the young person's daily life, requiring intervention. Although it occurs in both genders, dysfunctional excessive demands are more common in girls than in boys, due to their tendency to anticipate, strive for perfection, and seek control.

How do we recognize negative excessive demands?

As psychologist Mercè Porta Puig, from the JM Médicos team in Mollerussa, points out, maladaptive self-demand interferes with the functioning of the young person who suffers, despises themselves, becomes entrenched in constant criticism, and becomes paralyzed. Therefore, for Porta, it is important to understand that the trait is not defined by having a high standard, but by the constant fear of failure and the perception that worth depends on one's own performance.

Does it have other consequences?

Typically, boys and girls who are overly demanding can end up developing disorders such as anxiety or even OCD, since over-demandingness is related to low self-esteem, fear of social judgment, and panic about disappointing others…

When does over-demandingness develop?

According to Porta, the most frequent age for excessive demands is adolescence, and especially the transitional stages, that is, from 6th grade to 7th grade or from 10th grade to 11th grade. "These are stages with an increase in social and academic demands associated with comparison with role models and peers," Porta explains. These situations, therefore, can be triggers, although pressure "to give their best in class, on the team, or at home" can also play a role.

How is it treated?

Seeking professional help can help overly demanding young people avoid carrying this attitude into adulthood. They are given tools for self-awareness and self-esteem that allow them to manage situations where they feel they are doing poorly and, therefore, "reinterpret the mistake." Furthermore, Porta says, social skills are also developed, as he believes that if it's necessary to prove one's abilities to peers in certain areas, it's because "other resources" are lacking.

Can we help an overly demanding child?

At home, one of the pieces of advice Porta gives to families in her practice is to allow "children to live their own lives" and, therefore, not to impose expectations on them. She believes that family involvement is key, since adolescents "are a product of the environment in which they live and the social relationships they form," and she acknowledges that there are families where there is "a sense of disapproval" or "very harsh criticism." "We shape a child's identity at home," Porta says.

Mistakes as Opportunities

However, she addresses the issue of excessive demands by understanding mistakes as new opportunities to "do better," not as errors. "It shouldn't be seen as a sentence, but rather as something that requires tolerance and flexibility," says Porta, who believes the problem arises when mistakes are perceived as "inflexible." Young people need to understand that "learning includes mistakes," emphasizes the psychologist, who advocates redefining success and praising effort and the process more than the result. "Perhaps we should say that knowing they made an effort is more important to us than the grade they received," Porta explains. "The key is not to be demanding, but to understand the mistake," she adds.