Carol Tavris: "We don't admit mistakes to maintain our self-esteem."

Why is it so hard to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong"? This is the question that psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson try to answer in the nearly 400 pages of their book. Mistakes have been made (but not mine), Published in 2007, but reissued and updated in Spanish by Capitan Swing. With references ranging from Trump to romantic relationships, the authors reveal how mistakes are deeply connected to self-esteem and relationships with others.

What kills love is self-justification. Why?

— What's the argument between couples? I'm right and you're wrong, whether it's when it comes to remembering something that happened, the correct way to start the dishwasher, or how to raise children. Everyone believes their way of doing things is the right way. And that's why, when two ways conflict, what we do is justify ourselves. It's a response to cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance?

— Two ideas that conflict. For example, I consider myself a kind person, but you tell me I wasn't kind when I did this or that. Instead of questioning it, the brain has a mechanism to justify it and say, "I did it because you did something else before." And this way, I can continue being a kind person. It's an unconscious mechanism that allows us to continue thinking we're right and maintain our self-esteem.

It also helps us to think that we are making the right decisions.

— I chose Eduard, but it could have been Robert. Was that a mistake? And what our brain will do is emphasize the good things about Eduard and the things we don't like about Robert. It happens with work, or anything, we look for cognitive consonance between what we choose and what we find.

And he says that we use memory to justify ourselves.

— Before the Iraq invasion, about 46% of Democrats [American Democratic Party voters] supported him. In 2006, only 21% said they had.

That is, we rewrite the past.

— I have a stepbrother who was raised by a stepfather he considered terrible; he always said he was very demanding. Many years later, speaking of his other stepbrother, he told me, "Bill no longer remembers how difficult he was as a child. And he was such a troublemaker that our father was much stricter with him than with me." If we don't include this in our story, how can we reflect on what we did?

We remember what we want, and we also think that we process information logically.

— It's my favorite bias: thinking we're not biased, that we see things clearly as they are, so if someone disagrees with me, it's because they're biased. In a way, this is where cognitive dissonance begins.

And he says that we admit our mistakes less the greater the consequences have been.

— This is the lesson we've learned. It's the most powerful and highly educated people who may be most motivated to justify their beliefs. For example, for many decades, surgeons believed that when someone had breast cancer, they should remove the entire breast and even tissue from the shoulder and arm. When some doctors proposed removing only the lump, they were accused of condemning patients to death. Evidence showed they were wrong, but it's hard to accept because it means you've been removing the entire breast for 25 years, disfiguring women's bodies, when it wasn't necessary.

The book recounts dramatic court cases.

— Like the Central Park Five. Five Black and Hispanic teenagers convicted of rape. Netflix made a series about their story. After years in prison, a man confessed to the crime. His DNA matched what was found on the victim. But the prosecutor in the case said at the time: "Actually, we'd always thought there were six of them." There was no DNA from the other boys; they didn't know that man, but the prosecutor has never admitted to being wrong. Because her mistake unjustly led to the boys being imprisoned for 13 years.

Is it difficult to ask for forgiveness?

— You know when you understand why it's so difficult? When you get close to people who actually face the consequences of their actions. Because you see their stories of anguish and pain, realizing you've ruined someone's life is terrible.

How to stop justifying ourselves?

— Dissonance is universal and probably inevitable, but when we find ourselves in this state, we have the ability to hold the two dissonant ideas in each hand and weigh them before making an impulsive decision. This applies to everything: love, business, politics... Can I give you an example?

Forward.

— In 1985, US President Ronald Reagan visited the Bitburg Cemetery in Germany, a symbol of friendship between the two countries, which were at odds during World War II. It sparked much controversy because Nazi officials were buried in the cemetery where the memorial was being held. Then-Israeli Prime Minister Shimon Peres was asked about the visit, and he said, "Reagan is a friend who made a mistake. Friendship is still a friendship, but a mistake will remain a mistake." This is the opposite of what people do with cognitive dissonance: they either break off the friendship or minimize the mistake.

At the end of the book they talk about Trump.

— We were interested in seeing what happens to the people who vote for him. And we saw that when he did things they didn't expect, they tended to justify it, and that each justification made it harder to backtrack and say, "Wow, I was wrong." To the point that this has evolved and now functions more like a cult.

A sect?

— We've done a lot of research into the role of evangelicals in his victory, and they support him even though he's the least Christian politician in existence. So why do they do it? In 2019, it began to become clear that their ways were incompatible with the truth and forgiveness of Jesus Christ, but they've always found justification in the Bible. They claim, for example, that the Bible says strong leadership is needed and things like that. And in this way, they reduce the dissonance that exists between their support for Trump and what he says or does.

Does Trump feel cognitive dissonance?

— No. I get asked that often. To feel cognitive dissonance, you must be capable of feeling shame, regret, and empathy. I don't want to diagnose this man remotely, but judging by his behavior, he's far from these emotional qualities. In fact, he seems to have no emotional connection with people. To feel dissonance, you must have shame, because precisely what you're going to seek is to reduce that dissonance to feel less guilt, less shame, less regret, etc.

But they vote for him…

— When the internet first appeared, it was supposed to be the voice of democracy, but the network has been corrupted by boats that drown people in lies. Because this is the first thing demagogues and authoritarians do. Orwell told us many years ago: if I can persuade you that a lie is true, I'm halfway to controlling you. And we've seen since the first Trump administration how they bombarded us with fake news. The Republicans echo this sentiment in the 2025 project.

We explain what it is.

— It's a thousand pages long, outlining the roadmap for everything that's happened this year. They say, "We'll create chaos for the first three months with so many announcements that no one will be able to keep track of what's going on, we'll get rid of liberal judges, we'll cut funding for research, we'll launch a massive campaign to deport immigrants..." And Trump isn't smart enough to come up with this, but he has people who are smart around him. And history tells us things. Since almost all fascist and demagogic leaders are legally elected, and then they try to suppress elections... This is what the Trump administration is trying to do.