Super Pregnant: When Self-Care Becomes Overwhelming

Barcelona"I have to exercise, I have to swim, I have to do yoga or meditation, I have to get some sun, but not too much," says Ana, 37, who is seven months pregnant. "When you think you've done enough, you should start with perineal massage and also with the Pilates ball and, if possible, do manteo [pelvic massage with a scarf]." She has heard that there were many things she could do to ensure that the pregnancy and birth went well in a preparation that "never ends" and that "becomes an imperative demand," fueled by the feeling that she couldn't risk the pregnancy because she might not have more opportunities.

From the creators of superwomen or supermothers, who demand perfection in all spheres of life due to the impositions of a society that has opened its doors to them in the world of work but has not freed them from reproductive tasks, come the superpregnant women, who feel they must prepare for one. "You don't know anything, and you do some research, and... surprise! There's over-information, because there's a big business behind the world of pregnancy. Courses, preparation, shelters, all privatized via paid services," says Lucía, who just gave birth to her second child and believes this information should be part of our education long before going through pregnancy. This offer, which can be overwhelming, once again takes hours away from women's time management and represents an economic cost for half the population who, from the outset, receive 6,200 euros less per year on average. "In a world where you're working eight hours a day, we don't have time to do all these things that will be good for your body and make your baby born the Dalai Lama," jokes Lucía.

"Demanding is good if you want to go to yoga or read books that you think will be good for your birth. But if your day is geared toward these activities and you don't have any moments of pleasure, we have a problem: you act out of obligation, and self-care becomes self-demanding," explains the psychologist. Women who demand too much of themselves (Roca Editorial). For Sam Lipquin, a perinatal psychologist at Piel a Piel, who believes that pregnant women have become another target of the consumer society, the limit is "when these mandates start to disconnect you from what you need and from your well-being."

To regulate it, they claim that less is more. While Lipquin suggests "turning off the outside noise a bit and validating your intuition," Martí advocates prioritizing and scheduling so that the demands don't "snowball" and "looking for micro-moments of non-productive self-care" like "having a horchata in the sun" or "reading a book while I drink my coffee."

But where does this self-demand come from, affecting women in all spheres of life, from self-image to work and relationships? For these two specialists, guilt plays a fundamental role. Lucía's experience confirms this. She felt guilty when she didn't get everything she wanted to do, but especially when she got nervous because "the big trick of pregnancy is supposed to be staying calm." "They tell you to prepare for not sleeping, you're experiencing changes you have no idea about, for healthcare professionals everything is normal... With all this, stay calm," she jokes. "They've sold us an idealized pregnancy as a time when you should be super-connected, and many don't experience it that way. There's a lot of light, but there are also many shadows," warns Martí. "Not everything is so wonderful, I don't like my body, I don't feel well. Am I not doing enough strength training?" Lipquin continues. The perinatal psychologist explains that ambivalence is normal at this time of maternal identity creation, and since there is "little visibility and so little validation," it is experienced with confusion. Given this, she proposes perinatal psychology support for childbirth in the public health system to be able to talk about it: "The way pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period have been made visible is not real. The imaginary is not what we encounter."

What is the role of men?

Pregnancy is the first link in the inequalities between heterosexual couples in the sphere of motherhood and childbearing. "Women begin motherhood from pregnancy, but men often do so from birth, and sometimes they arrive late," says Lipquin, who admits it's difficult because they don't experience the physical changes. Although Ana's partner has been 100% involved in childbirth preparation, she also sees an "insurmountable inequality": "The body is mine," she states emphatically. However, she believes it could be more equal if she accompanied him, for example, when he goes for a walk or does yoga with her. For Martí, a couples therapist, negotiation could be key, also when it comes to financing self-care that she calls productive, such as swimming or yoga, to the extent possible.

All in all, men are gaining ground, although they often still feel they have a secondary role in pregnancy. Sociologist Vicent Borràs, a researcher at the Center for Sociological Studies on Daily Life and Work (QUIT), states that there are an increasing number of men taking prenatal courses, but that many feel excluded after childbirth. "What we know from studies is that men get involved if they're alone," says Borràs, who encourages women to give up their space during childbirth. The same is true during pregnancy: "You don't need to read 150 books because, then, you're the supermother and he has no idea, and you've established a huge difference," he points out. Evidently, it's a reciprocal situation: "Women don't give in, and men don't want to think. It's a joke." Although the distribution of tasks is increasingly more equal and women have reduced household chores by 77 minutes a day over the last ten years, the time they spend caring for their children has continued to increase, he explains. The reason is probably the delay in motherhood and the decline in the birth rate, which means we have fewer and more desired children, which makes us put them – he believes – "too much at the center of the world."

To stop or not to stop

"They told me I'd have to go on sick leave soon, and I got angry," explains Mariona, who is three months pregnant. In contrast, Nerea, seven months pregnant, has noticed how she's expected "to do exactly the same things as before" and already misses the work-life balance: "You don't get sick leave before giving birth; you have to take regular sick leave because your legs or back hurt, or it makes you anxious."

"There are two extremes: those who treat pregnant women like sick people who can't do anything, infantilized like children; and the other extreme, where there are those who act as if they weren't pregnant: the longer you can stay at work, the better," says Lipquin, who believes that you have to have a conscious pregnancy and be aware that they need specific support." Alejandra, five months pregnant, tries to listen to herself and lower her expectations. The goal? "Not to fall into the trap of over-information and over-stimulation being more important than enjoying the pregnancy."