Esther F. Carrodeguas: "They repeat that no one will love you because you are fat"

BarcelonaThe entire life of playwright and actress Esther F. Carrodeguas (Rianxo, 1979) has been marked by her physical appearance. "I was the typical round baby. I've endured a lot of violence since I was born," says the artist. During her childhood and adolescence, the way others viewed her body determined everything she did; or rather, what they wouldn't let her do. "I couldn't skate because I was fat, I couldn't wear tight clothes because I was fat, and of course, I couldn't eat chocolate because I was fat," Carrodeguas lists. Over the years, she lived this situation in silence until one day she began to write and transformed it into a theatrical monologue in verse. The show, entitled The only thing I truly wanted my whole life was to be thin., arrives on March 22nd at the Ateneu Popular 9 Barris as part of the Cítrico festival after having been at Fira Tàrrega last year and touring Spain.

Carrodeguas wrote the work years ago as an intimate exercise. "I felt a lot of rage and indignation over the social violence I endured; I had the need to let it all out," says the artist. Everything she explains in the monologue "is true" and she has experienced it firsthand. As a child, she wanted to be a dancer, but her environment conditioned her to choose piano, implying that dancers didn't have her body. They also took her to a nutritionist and instilled in her that she would never be able to have a job facing the public. "All of that shaped my way of being and my expectations of life. I haven't had any role model who was overweight. Even if I go to Zara to ask for a job as a sales assistant, they'll choose a thin woman before me," she emphasizes.

"A very strong impact on self-esteem"

In a humorous tone, the monologue explores these experiences to highlight the effects of fatphobia on those who suffer from it. "It has a tremendous impact on self-esteem. They tell you that no one will love you because you're fat, that the people you're attracted to will always look for people who are thinner. This, especially during adolescence, is terrible," he explains. To express this on stage, Carrodeguas surrounds himself with a pile of junk food packaging and is accompanied by a musician, Juanma LoDo. "The staging is inspired by the performances of spoken word and has a very aesthetic trash"We combine the verses with sound effects and an electronic music base over which I recite," says the artist. "We go through. These aren't just my traumas, but those of many other people as well," he says. The work's reception has also given him hope. "I've gained tools for discourse. Now I can react if I encounter situations like the ones I experienced," he explains. "Things have also changed in my environment. There's more tact and sensitivity now; they try not to use phrases they know bother me."