Why does your sexual desire work like a car?

Many times when we lack desire we think it is because there are no things that are exciting us. Because our partner no longer attracts us, because we are asexual –oh, how many times have I heard that word used incorrectly!–, because we are not very interested in the subject… But there is something we do not see, and that is that when we talk about desires not everything is about impulses, but also about brakes.

A metaphor that works very well to explain how desire functions – as sexual educator Emily Nagosky does – is through a car with an automatic transmission. In this car, we have two pedals: an accelerator and a brake. Similarly, regarding desire, we have an activation system (which would be the accelerator), and an inhibition system (which would be the brakes).

Accelerators can be: feeling confident, an attractive partner, feeling desired, explicit erotic cues, etc.

On the other hand, brakes: guilt, concern for the body, stress, fear of being used, fear of an unwanted pregnancy, anxiety about performance, etc. 

Here it is important to understand that desire is something that is related to practically everything that can happen to us; if we are stressed, have conflicts at work, with our partner, with friends, we are not sleeping well, eating well, etc. All of this can influence, and the list is infinite.

So instead of focusing on why we don't have the accelerator pressed, maybe we should start detecting what things are pressing the brakes.