When the children are the ones who have to take care of the parents

BarcelonaAdulthood involves taking on new responsibilities, professional, personal, for parenthood if applicable, but also a change of role that we don't always know how to fit correctly. We are talking about that moment when parents get old and it is the adult children who have to take care of them. Feliciano Villar, professor of developmental psychology at the University of Barcelona and director of the master's degree in psychogerontology, talks about all this in his new book Mis padres se hacen mayores (Plataforma Editorial).

Villar explains that the book arises from the observation that "there is a kind of information gap on how to address the progressive vulnerability and aging of parents." He says that little is said about the relationships between elderly parents and adult children, and that we often don't know what the expectations are, what is expected of us, and what makes us good children. The important thing, he explains, is to understand what we need to know about old age to better understand our parents and to understand what challenges our elderly parents face and how we can help them. As Villar points out, "it's about being aware that our parents are adults." "They have the same rights and the same capacity to control and make decisions about their lives. We always want the best for the people we love, but sometimes this perception of wanting the best is not always the best for them – says Villar–. Caring for our parents, accompanying them, and being aware that we must make the most of them is also a way of looking at ourselves and asking ourselves how we want to age." These are approaches that can also help us take care of our parents in the best possible way, and this includes four fundamental resources: respect for the autonomy and dignity of the person, the need to deepen our knowledge of our parents, the distribution of responsibilities within the family, and patterns of effective communication in difficult situations.

Let's not infantilize them

In relation to how we should care for our parents, Feliciano Villar warns of the danger of infantilizing the elderly, which can lead to a loss of dignity. Thus, he is emphatic in stating that the role of children is not to make decisions for them but to support them so that they can continue to live as autonomous a life as possible. Today, old age is a period of life that can last from twenty to thirty years, in some cases even longer, and this means that different phases are lived. The first phase is usually lived with full autonomy, and it is a stage in which the great danger is to fall into ageism, an attitude of disdain towards the elderly that can diminish their self-esteem and quality of life, precisely at a vital moment that can be extraordinary for people. In this stage, as Villar explains, children can contribute to parents enjoying a good retirement by having conversations about their plans, showing interest in their projects, offering them information about the resources available in the community, and also using their free time to share it together.

A second stage can be marked by the loss of one of the parents. The death of a partner is one of the most painful events we can experience in life, and the role of children should be to contribute to alleviating this process as much as possible, helping them with the most practical matters. It will also be necessary to accompany them and be a support in the new stage of loneliness or, if applicable, to accept new partners and avoid falling into suspicion or thinking that that person is replacing the one who has died.

The great challenge arrives, however, when more serious health problems begin to appear that involve an increasingly greater and more intensive need for care. A moment that involves planning and learning to provide solutions to tasks that can be complex, but also to make decisions with difficult ethical implications. Feliciano Villar acknowledges that caring for elderly parents also requires a balance, a situation that many children often experience with a sense of guilt, because they cannot leave everything and dedicate themselves solely to caring for them. However, at this point, Villar recalls that rather than taking charge, care should be approached from a position of accompaniment that implies a more egalitarian relationship, in which children are attentive to their parents' needs, but also know how to value what they can still do. It will be the moment to be present, to share the responsibility among all the children, to try to attend to their preferences, within the possibilities, to assess whether external caregiver support is needed or if there is no better solution than to move the person to a residence, a very complicated decision that causes, as Villar explains, a great sense of guilt for the children and a great sense of uprooting in the parents.

Finally, the author also talks about one of the most difficult moments in life: addressing that time when we are aware that the end is approaching. He recommends being honest when there are complicated diagnoses, as the person has the right to make informed decisions about their life. The role of the children will be to respect the times and the rhythm of their parents' process and not to try to control and alter the process. They will also have to validate the emotions they experience even if they do not fully understand them and not force conversations on difficult topics, but also not avoid them if they want to talk about them. In short, to provide company and material support where needed and to take care of the bonds, respecting the wishes of the father or mother at every moment.

As the author concludes: "I would like readers to take away three basic ideas: first, that we must make the most of our parents while we have them. Secondly, I think it is very important to have fluid, adult-to-adult communication, without wanting to hijack control of our parents' lives. And, thirdly, I believe it is very important, especially in the final stages, to gather all the resources we can to face a care situation that can be very difficult for the children. It will be time to have open, sincere conversations, and to set aside selfishness, keeping in mind that the most important thing is the well-being of our parents".