Spontaneous desire vs. reactive desire: why they don't work the same

For years, we've been sold a fairly specific idea of sexual desire: that it appears on its own, by magic, when the relationship is going well and there's chemistry. But reality is a bit more complex. And understanding this can prevent a lot of relationship anxiety.

The thing is, there isn't just one type of desire. We primarily distinguish two: spontaneous desire and reactive desire.

Spontaneous desire is what we all have in mind when we think about "feeling like it." It's the kind that appears seemingly out of nowhere, without needing a specific stimulus. It's closely related to physiological and emotional factors: hormones, life stage, falling in love, certain phases of the menstrual cycle, or simply the energy we have available. It's a desire quite similar to hunger: it appears and the body notices it.

But then there's the greatly misunderstood one: reactive desire. This doesn't arrive spontaneously, but is awakened in response to stimuli. If spontaneous desire is hunger, then reactive desire would be gluttony. You might not have any intention of eating, but you walk past a pizza place and suddenly you need a four-cheese pizza immediately. Or you smell popcorn at the cinema and unexpected cravings to buy some appear.

The same happens with sex. There are times when we don't feel desire "from the start," but when we start connecting, kissing, having intimate moments or playing, desire appears.

And here's a very important idea: we don't always have to wait for desire to come to us. Many times we have to go look for it. In fact, this is one of the keys to desire in long-term relationships: creating contexts for reactive desire to have space to emerge.