Spontaneous desire vs. reactive desire: why they don't work the same

For years they have sold us a fairly concrete idea of sexual desire: that it appears on its own, by magic, when the relationship is going well and there is chemistry. But reality is a bit more complex. And understanding this can prevent a lot of relationship anxiety.

The fact is that there isn't just one type of desire. Mainly, we distinguish two: spontaneous desire and reactive desire.

Spontaneous desire is what we all have in mind when we think about "feeling like it." It's the kind that appears seemingly out of nowhere, without the need for a specific stimulus. It is closely related to physiological and emotional factors: hormones, life stage, falling in love, certain phases of the menstrual cycle, or simply the energy we have available. It's a desire that's quite similar to hunger: it appears and the body notices it.

But then there's the greatly misunderstood one: reactive desire. This doesn't arrive spontaneously, but rather awakens in response to stimuli. If spontaneous desire is hunger, reactive would be gluttony. You might not have had any intention of eating, but you walk past a pizzeria and suddenly you desperately need a four-cheese pizza. Or you smell popcorn at the cinema and unexpected cravings to buy some appear.

It's the same with sex. There are times when we don't feel desire "from the start," but when we start connecting, kissing, having intimate or playful moments, desire arises.

And here's a super important idea: we don't always have to wait for desire to come to us. Often, we have to go looking for it. In fact, this is one of the keys to desire in long-term relationships: creating contexts for reactive desire to have space to appear.