Sex and cohabitation: why does desire decrease?

In the beginning, everything is rosy. You find it adorable how they eat fruit, how they leave their shoes in the hall, or even how they snore. But then comes cohabitation, the famous trial by fire, and suddenly what you found endearing causes you a monumental ick.

The noise they make chewing, the towel on the bed, or the abandoned coffee cup are no longer so charming.

Perhaps the problem isn't cohabitation itself, but that we now find ourselves in much less romanticizable scenarios. We share the bathroom, we go grocery shopping, we argue about who takes out the trash, and we scrub the kitchen after dinner. Love continues to exist, but desire plays by different rules.

And there is a fascinating contradiction within desire itself: on the one hand, we are attracted to novelty, uncertainty, and adventure, but at the same time, we seek stability, security, and comfort. And when that stability arrives, it's easy for eroticism to lose ground. Furthermore, stress, mental load, perhaps raising children, fatigue, and that feeling that the relationship functions more like an institution than a love story come into play.

But be warned: living together shouldn't turn us into roommates. Desire isn't spontaneous for everyone, and expecting it to appear by magic is a recipe for frustration. To have good times in bed, we first need to have them outside of it. Intimacy is worked on. Go on dates, break the routine, set aside quality time, or simply look at each other with curiosity again. In short, be boyfriends or girlfriends again from time to time. Because desire is not a finite resource that runs out over the years. It is a part of the relationship that also needs space, attention, and a little intention.