I'm 20 and my partner is 40: can the relationship work?

BarcelonaRumors that 17-year-old Lamine Yamal might be dating a 30-year-old content creator, and Alejandro Sanz's confession that he had a relationship with a fan 30 years younger than him, have brought the topic of relationships with large age gaps back to the forefront. This issue frequently returns to public debate, where the question arises as to whether two people at different stages of their lives and with very different personal backgrounds can have a functional relationship. And in the case of minors, like the Barça player, it raises even more questions. In this regard, Spanish law is clear and sets the age of sexual consent at 16. Even if people younger than that age agree to have sex with an adult, this consent has no legal validity. And not only are sexual relations legislated in this regard, but other types of actions with clear sexual content are also included, such as conversations, recording images, or videos.

But, beyond legality, can two people with a 15, 30, or 40-year age difference function as a couple?

"The world of relationships is very complex, and there are no magic formulas," says Dolors Líria, vice-dean of the Official College of Psychology of Catalonia and CEO of Menta Salut Professional. "Couples with an age gap face challenges, but that doesn't mean they're a guarantee of failure," warns this expert, who assures that one common element in these types of relationships is that they suffer "from external gaze and judgment," which, according to Líria, "can add to their worries." Núria Jorba, psychologist and sexologist, adds that the biggest difficulty they often encounter is the family's reaction. "Imagine a girl brings her partner home, and he's the same age as her father. This generates a lot of rejection," she says. The therapist advises in these cases to "set limits" and above all "not to go into explanations or justifications because with this you are giving power to the other and what is needed is for them to prioritize what they need, although it is always good to try to understand what is on the other side."

Established Patterns

Currently, there are more than 11 million registered couples in Spain. In 755,000 of these, the age difference exceeds 10 years, but in all of them, 88% of heterosexual relationships, the man is the older one. "There's a pattern that has been in place for a long time: the older man with the younger woman. It has worked for years and years," explains Bruna Álvarez, professor in the Department of Anthropology at the UAB and researcher with the AFIN group. "This is related, on the one hand, to women's reproductive capacity, which society sells as a value that men desire, and, on the other, to male reputation, because being able to have a younger partner is perceived as something very positive," she says.

However, Álvarez points out that this trend is beginning to change and more and more couples are being found where the woman is older, as has occurred in high-profile cases such as that of French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife, Brigitte, who is 25 years older. "There is more and more diversification in the world of relationships, which means that there are also relationships between people of different ages. "We see that there are older women who are tired of the rather conservative attitude of men of their generation and feel more comfortable with younger men who are perhaps more open and have a different mentality.

For Núria Jorba, "a very important element for a relationship to work is that both members of the couple are at the same stage in their lives," when the older person is no longer as socially active and the younger person begins to feel deficiencies at that level.

Mutual respect and admiration

Regarding external views and judgments, Dolors Líria emphasizes that there is still "a very significant gender bias." "It is penalized much more when the woman is the older of the two, while when it is the man, it is normalized and even seen as something positive," she emphasizes.

One of the issues that has come to light following Alejandro Sanz's story with Ivet Playà, a fan of his 29 years his junior who met the singer when she was only 16, is how these relationships can lead to situations of abuse of power. "This is a huge risk," says Dolors Líria. "If one of the two has more experience in a relationship, it doesn't mean they are better, or that their judgment counts more. In reality, young people have judgment that can be just as valid and even more adapted to the present. For the relationship to work, there has to be mutual respect and admiration," otherwise; Bruna Álvarez, on the other hand, warns that "age in itself is not an indicator of a power relationship" and points out that this can occur in any type of relationship. This expert believes that couples with a large age gap to avoid problems may be the most difficult to work on: "Sometimes they are the relationships in which the most talk is given precisely because they have that underlying difference, and everything is approached and done with respect."

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