Do you want to have sex again like at the beginning?

This is a question that is a trap in itself. Many times, in consultation, requests related to this arrive: to recover the flame and, consequently, to return to how it was before.

The bad news is that sex like at the beginning will not return. The good news is that you can work on your sexuality and your desire to rebuild them and, thus, have a sexual life that is as satisfying or more so.

And here is the big question: we take the beginning of a relationship as the indicator – as far as sexual quality and frequency are concerned – of what is normal or of where we want to get to. And this is where the big problem lies. The beginning of a relationship is a time when we have desire through the roof, we have sex much more often than usual and in new ways because we are still discovering the body and desires of a new person.

What I mean by this is that the beginning cannot be the benchmark, because, in reality, it is an exceptional and peak moment. If we spent our whole lives like this, we would have to be given sick leave for stress.

And not only that, but many times, when we obsess about having sex like at the beginning, we are only talking about frequency. And if there is one thing we know thanks to science is that, when we talk about sex, quality is much more important than quantity. Because, if we don't like the sex we have, it will be normal that we don't feel like repeating it, right?

And the key here is something that has never been explained to us: sexual desire in long-term couples has to be worked on, it has to be cultivated. Generally, it will not appear spontaneously.

So, from now on, if we want to recover that flame, let's get rid of sexual nostalgia and focus on working on intimacy, fantasy, and enjoyment, instead of trying to achieve a clearly excessive frequency.