Does my sexual partner know how to please me?

If you've asked yourself this question before, there's probably a basic idea worth revisiting: sex isn't about pleasing. Or, at least, not just about that. Because when we understand sexual relations as the other person's responsibility – as if they should know exactly what we need or how to make us enjoy ourselves – it's easy to end up experiencing sex with frustration, pressure, or disappointment.

And the truth is, no one here has a magic wand. Pleasure isn't guessed. It's communicated.

Many times what we could call the "exam effect" appears: one person feels they have to do it right to satisfy, while the other waits to receive pleasure. Sex becomes a kind of constant test in which it seems someone has to demonstrate skills. But sex isn't an exchange economy. It doesn't work on the basis of "I give you this and you have to give me that."

Perhaps it's much more like a conversation. It's a language, a way of relating to each other, and like in any conversation, we need to know what we want to say before pretending that the other person will understand us. That's why self-knowledge is so important. Exploring ourselves, understanding what we like, what makes us uncomfortable, what pace we need, or what practices spark our curiosity.

And this isn't always easy. There are many people who reach sexual relations without ever having had spaces to think about their own desire. That's why taking responsibility for our pleasure doesn't mean experiencing sex from individualism, but understanding that communicating is also caring for the bond. First, we need to know what we want to be able to share it afterwards. And it is precisely here, in this honest and pressure-free dialogue, where the most pleasurable sex usually appears.