Why do you get angry when you lose?

BarcelonaWhen a child loses in a competitive activity, emotions such as frustration, anger, sadness, or helplessness are often triggered. These emotional responses, explains Júlia Maria Bonet, a child and adolescent clinical psychologist, have a neurobiological basis, since the brain is still developing the structures responsible for emotional regulation, such as the prefrontal cortex. Furthermore, Bonet continues, their self-esteem is still highly dependent on external success, and they may perceive defeat "as a threat to their personal worth." Bonet emphasizes that, according to Bandura's self-efficacy theory, which stipulates that self-confidence influences behavior and success, "if children have not developed sufficient confidence in their abilities, they may experience defeat as a deeply personal failure."

What are the most common reactions to getting lost?

Julia Maria Bonet describes it as "absolutely normal" for children to experience intense reactions to losing, especially between the ages of 2 and 7, in the preoperational stage, according to Piaget, a stage marked by egocentrism. The most common reactions, she points out, "include crying, screaming, abandoning the game, and sometimes verbal expressions of disagreement such as 'it's not fair' or 'you're cheating.'" These behaviors, the psychologist emphasizes, should not be seen as signs of bad manners, "but rather as an opportunity for emotional learning: the key is to help them name their emotions and validate them, while setting healthy boundaries."

What reactions would be unacceptable?

Feeling frustrated at being lost is a normal emotional response in childhood. However, there are certain behaviors that should be considered unacceptable. According to Bonet, reactions such as physical aggression, recurrent breaking of objects, or harsh insults cannot be normalized, although they may occur sporadically in children with limited self-regulation skills. For her, it is important to understand that these behaviors do not indicate malice, but rather a lack of emotional management strategies. "Support should combine empathy and support, and involve helping them express frustration safely," she emphasizes.

At what age do they begin to tolerate this frustration better?

The expert explains that the ability to tolerate frustration develops progressively, "with great differences depending on personality, family environment, and previous emotional experience." Around age 5, some children begin to show moments of emotional restraint, but they often still have impulsive responses. Between ages 7 and 9, "thanks to neurological development (the prefrontal cortex) and more flexible thinking, most can begin to put defeat into perspective and apply basic regulation strategies such as internal dialogue or humor," notes Bonet, who adds that everything can be helped by explicitly teaching a communication strategy that not only penalizes mistakes, but also values them as part of the learning process.

How to teach them that defeat is part of the game?

According to Bonet, families need to foster an attitude focused on enjoyment, learning, and collaboration, rather than winning. It's necessary to frequently emphasize that losing is a natural part of the game and an opportunity for improvement. "Carol Dweck's studies on growth mindset show that children who learn to see mistakes as part of the process are more resilient," Bonet emphasizes. She adds that, in a highly competitive environment, it's more important than ever to separate self-esteem from results and emphasize effort, respect, and the joy of playing.

What attitudes should adults avoid when playing with children?

In play, aggressive or derogatory behavior should be avoided: insults, contempt, ridicule, or physical acts such as hitting boards or objects. According to the clinical psychologist, these attitudes break trust and the sense of play as a safe and educational space. On this point, Bonet refers to Bandura's social learning theory, which shows that children not only observe what we do but also how we do it. "Maintaining a respectful tone, knowing how to lose with dignity, and recognizing the merits of others become attitudes that generate a healthy emotional environment and reduce the risk of conflict and dysfunctional learning," she points out.

What consequences can poor family management have on children's lack of self-control during play?

Bonet warns that poor management by adults can lead to difficulties "in children's emotional self-regulation, as well as in their social skills." If they don't learn to manage frustration, she continues, they can develop "aggressive behavior, low tolerance for failure, or difficulty maintaining positive relationships with their peers." According to several studies, she adds, children who don't learn to self-regulate are at greater risk of social rejection and behavioral problems. Therefore, she concludes, adult intervention "must be empathetic but firm, consistent, and focused on teaching, not just correcting."