'Relief couples': when family is managed via WhatsApp

Barcelona"The fact that our schedules don't align, that we don't see each other, means that things get lost along the way. You don't know what's going on in each other's lives, and decisions are made that you don't agree with; it's complicated," Laura explains. She and Miquel, in addition to having a daughter, Jana, share a complex logistical situation marked by incompatible work schedules.

This family's organization rotates in two-week cycles according to Miquel's shift: when he works mornings, she takes Jana to school and he picks her up some days; on the afternoon shift, he takes her to school and she always picks her up. During the weeks he works a "full" shift (from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m.), Laura handles all the school and extracurricular activities. Finally, if he has to work the weekend, she takes care of Jana on her own.

This reality is not an isolated case, but rather a reflection of an increasingly fragmented labor market. In Spain, more than two and a half million employees regularly work weekends, night shifts, or rotating shifts, especially in sectors such as healthcare, logistics, and services. According to data fromEPA by the end of 2024The economic recovery is being built on structural precarity: almost 38% of the jobs created are part-time, mostly involuntary. This instability, characterized by irregular schedules that fluctuate according to the company's needs, ends up directly impacting the physical and emotional health of families.

The loneliness of shared management

"The hardest part is not being in touch throughout the day; there are weeks when we don't even see each other. So much information gets left unsaid. Then, when the other person finds out, they say, 'Oh, I didn't know that,' and you think, 'Yeah, but I can't do it anymore because I'm managing everything myself.'"

Although the impact of this physical distance can vary from person to person, Meritxell Pacheco, a psychology professor at Ramon Llull University (URL-Blanquerna), says it causes profound emotional strain. "It can create a feeling of loneliness because long-distance communication doesn't replace physical contact. This can generate sadness, irritability, and negative feelings toward the partner, who is perceived as inaccessible," she explains.

To avoid falling into resentment, Pacheco emphasizes the importance of consensus: "The logistics should be something well decided and accepted by both partners; it shouldn't be seen as a sacrifice." Let one take care of the mornings and the other of the evenings, or let one travel for a day to a place that takes on a lot of responsibility, and the other take on a lot of responsibility, and the other take on a problem. The key, he says, is to avoid a victim mentality: "If this lifestyle isn't working, decisions need to be made, but while it continues, a solution must be found that satisfies everyone."

The female bulwark

In Laura's case, despite working full-time in an office from Monday to Friday, the burden of logistics falls primarily on her. "Since I have fixed hours, I can always be counted on. If he's unavailable, I step in, but I'd also like to have some time for myself," she says. Data confirms that women, faced with overlapping work schedules, are more likely to reduce their hours or adjust their schedules, sacrificing salary and career advancement. Eighty-six percent of parental leave requests are made by women, a figure that is slowly decreasing and maintains a significant imbalance, according to [source missing]. the Gender Equality Indicator of Catalonia (2023)“My thought is: ‘I can’t fail, because if I fail, everything will collapse.’ And this is an enormous burden,” she says. This overload often leads to neglecting the couple’s relationship, a dangerous mistake according to the psychologist. “It seems that when a couple has children, the couple’s relationship isn’t important, but it’s the opposite: it’s what sustains the family. If there’s a strong couple, there can be a strong family. If not, it eventually falls apart,” Pacheco warns. Laura feels there’s a historical imbalance and an invisibility of care work. She asserts that her work as a mother is just as exhausting as her paid job and that she also deserves breaks. “Sometimes I’ve allowed things that perhaps I shouldn’t have allowed, and now I have to set clear boundaries: I also work, I’m a mother, and I need to have my own space to rest,” she says. According to the psychologist, when one partner has to handle logistics without support, the couple's space and individual time disappear, which can lead to irritability or a feeling of distance from the other. Laura's personal time is affected by Miquel's shifts; it depends on whether she wants to go out with friends or do activities with family: "In the end, I'm always subject to his schedule; depending on whether he's working or not, whether he's tired or not, I can do more or less." This exhaustion has been a source of arguments. "One of us comes home tired from work, the other from the mental load, and with the little time you have, you try to manage things that have been happening over the weeks, and you end up saying them to each other in a harsh way," Laura admits. Arguments over trivial matters and a loss of team spirit are some of the problems they face.

When family management is done on WhatsApp

Many of these misunderstandings stem from the only available communication channel: the mobile phone. "Ninety percent of communication is through WhatsApp, and that generates a lot of misunderstandings. But we don't have any other way," explains Laura. Calls during work hours are often impossible, but text messages, read while tired or under work pressure, become a source of conflict. The voice is replaced by text: "All I do is read your messages, I don't even listen to you," people say. She advocates for the five-minute phone call as a more genuine tool for emotional connection than the "digital chill" of WhatsApp messages or emojis. "Sending messages is part of maintaining a relationship, letting the other person know you're thinking of them, but to maintain a real connection, it's necessary to share joint projects," says Pacheco, who is also the clinical director of the Institute of Psychology and Development (IPSIDE).

Resistance rituals for couples

Finding this shared project, sharing activities as a couple, is the biggest challenge. Laura and Miquel, despite trying, haven't managed to establish it as a habit. "We've tried to schedule activities, like going out to dinner once or twice a month, leaving our daughter with the grandparents, but we never end up doing it." It's an area they're working on and still need to address: "We have to be able to find some time to be alone and reconnect, give each other a hug and say, 'Hey, I'm here even though we don't see each other.'" They also tried taking dance classes, but it was impossible to keep them going because with shift changes every two weeks, they couldn't maintain a routine. For the psychologist, it's important that the couple tries to maintain the connection by showing interest in each other's important matters: if someone has an important meeting or a doctor's appointment, they should ask how it went. "You have to be very careful with these details, ask, show interest... It will help you feel the other person's presence and maintain that bond and that connection," explains Pacheco. Laura is clear that prioritizing quality time together and having clear, non-reproachful communication can help couples with inverted schedules. "Since you don't see each other much, you have to be very clear when explaining things, so that the messages are understandable and the other person doesn't take them the wrong way," she says. She regrets that sometimes she hasn't been able to let her partner know when she's overwhelmed and that talking about it in time can help share the burden. And she recommends taking advantage of even just being at home to share time together and hug: "On Sundays, which is the only time we're both there, we open a beer or a glass of wine while we make dinner, and we talk and hug a lot," Laura explains. As Pacheco concludes, the important thing is that this "balancing act" is open to review: "If it really isn't worth it, you have to find a way to change jobs or schedules. Lifestyle can't be a forced sacrifice, but rather a mutually agreed-upon adjustment."