Parental conflicts: "I minimize the situation so our children can be friends"
Experts warn that children's well-being is severely affected when conflicting families do not manage their conflict adequately
Girona“Children don’t just feel conflict, they breathe it”. Psychologist specialized in mediation and conciliation Javier Wilhelm highlights that when two families go through a conflict situation and their children share a class, this has a direct implication on the minors’ well-being. The school can play an important role as a link between the parties, but the key factor that will determine the extent of the consequences are the families involved. The way they manage their disagreement –with the emotions it entails– can lead to a serious estrangement between the children and, among adults, open a communicative abyss.
“Children don’t need to witness an explicit fight. Even if we say nothing in front of them, they perceive the tension that exists at school, at home, on the street, or even in a store. They detect if adults greet each other or not, if there is antipathy or discomfort between them, or if, at a party, the parents avoid each other”, corroborates Wilhelm.
Pere –a fictitious name for a father who prefers to remain anonymous– is experiencing a situation of estrangement with another father after a conflict that arose a year ago between them outside of school, which even almost led them to court, and was finally resolved with an agreement at the last minute, just one day before the trial. “I have explained my version to my son, obviously adapted to his way of understanding it. I have also told him that realities can be very diverse and that this is how I perceive it, but that everyone feels what they feel”.
In the first encounters after the disagreement, the discomfort between them was evident. Pere confesses that, even, his "heart would race" when they coincided at birthday parties or at the entrances and exits of the school, as their children go to the same class.
According to Wilhelm, "children read non-verbal language much better than we do and understand the message when there are troublesome bonds or complicated friendships." "Minors can find themselves immersed –if adults don't put a stop to it– in loyalty conflicts: no one will clearly tell them 'don't be friends with him' or 'don't go with him', but, sometimes, it's not necessary to say it. Playing together can be experienced as a kind of disloyalty, when the child should not have to choose between affection for their friends and loyalty to their parents."
According to experts, it is best to avoid conflicts between families, but if they do arise, the most recommended approach is to "naturalize" and "repair" what has happened. "Apologize to your child, if there has been a grievance, even if they say there hasn't been, and leave the door open for them to express how they experienced it," states psychologist and mediator Javier Wilhelm. The worst thing of all is silence and thinking that they haven't realized. Putting it into words is important. "Adult versions are not needed, but rather making sense of what has happened." Nor is it necessary to make them see that they have to fix it. "We cannot ask a child to understand what we as adults do not understand," affirms this psychologist.
This adult friction, although initially belonging exclusively to the realm of parents, ends up – in a way – splashing into the children's daily lives. “My son used to ask me to go play at his friend's house, and now he doesn't anymore,” laments Pere. And what does the psychologist say? “Adult conflict puts ice on the relationship and shared spaces are reduced. It may seem like a trifle, but for children, friendship, trust, and a sense of belonging are important.”
A forced adaptation
Faced with this circumstance, the child will have no choice but to adapt to a situation they have not chosen. Better said, they will have to over-adapt; that is, accept it with pain and at an emotional cost. “Over-adaptation is when a child gets used to setting aside what they feel or need to please their parents or avoid causing them problems. This can lead to them having difficulty expressing what is happening to them over time, setting boundaries, knowing what they want, and feeling valuable without always pleasing others,” emphasizes Wilhelm.
In the case of adolescents, from the age of ten they may also feel ashamed of their parents when they star in these types of scenes. “It’s that external gaze, what will others think?... They become alert even before it happens, which causes them a lot of emotional distress. A child or adolescent needs to be calm and not burdened by a conflict they don't control and that belongs to the adults,” warns this expert. Furthermore, children and adolescents may come to believe they are to blame for the situation because, according to Wilhelm, “children place themselves at the center of things that happen in their environment: ‘they argued on my birthday or this problem exists because of me...’”.
In some cases, children and adolescents end up taking on the role of mediators between adults, which, according to specialists, is a “huge mistake”. “The minor will be facing a situation that does not correspond to them within the family space and should not be in the middle of the conflict either. You are invading your child’s world with your problems that you don’t know how to solve as an adult,” comments Wilhelm.
Conflicts between parents from diverse families can have external causes, but, unfortunately, according to Montserrat Pòrtulas, a member of the AFA of the Castellum school in Sant Julià de Ramis, “many – although the school administration has ended up resolving them – begin with episodes of physical or verbal violence between children”. No cases have been detected in this school in Girona, but Pòrtulas emphasizes that aggression between minors is a reality in our society and also in schools. “Let’s not fool ourselves”.In extracurricular activities, such as football, it is evident how, despite being on the same team, there are parents who position themselves far from the stands to avoid coinciding. “Children perceive this... And these are the teams that don't work,” admits Marçal Noguer, coordinator of Football Leagues for the Consell Esportiu de l’Alt Empordà. “Parents put competition far ahead of development, when they should accompany their child to football and, at most, cheer and go home, happy that they have played,” highlights Noguer, who is also the coordinator of Fútbol Club Bàscara. The competitive spirit, both of parents and children, becomes more evident as children get older. Families contribute, in part, to this competition. “There are parents who want to be coaches and demand from the minor, and give them instructions that confuse their child because they don't know who to listen to: the coach or the father,” he concludes.
For her part, Núria Puigmal, coach of family and psychoporporeal therapist, recalls that, “even if two adults cannot see each other or feel a lot of anger, a motivation to understand each other can be to do it for the children”. Before reaching this point, however, “you first have to want the connection and not get stuck in the emotion”. Additionally, she highlights that non-violent communication can be of great help: “Avoiding speaking only from the 'I', making the proposal to meet, and assuming that the other person can say yes or no” are some of her tips.
In this context, adults inevitably become “modulators” of children. This is assured by Montserrat Castelló, director of the Vedruna Gràcia School in Barcelona. “If the parents experience the situation badly, the child will find it harder to find a solution, but if the adults explain to each other how they feel, have been able to hear the other version, and, if necessary, have a restorative conversation with the help of the school's management, everything is easier”. Surely, rough edges will eventually be smoothed out.
The school, as a general rule, must be a safe space, where the child does not have to manage complex emotional geography or feel that everyday decisions – such as who to play with – can have consequences. To guarantee this, the Escola Vedruna Gràcia in Barcelona, if it detects a conflict between families, would apply the same protocol as in situations of separation between parents. "In the first place, the school's dynamics must not be altered by anything, nor should any worker's, and even less so the children's," specifies the director, Montserrat Castelló. Nor would they allow the little ones to change class groups at the request of families. "Group mixing is done according to pedagogical criteria, that is, taking into account their well-being, learning, and coexistence among classmates. It is the teaching teams who decide, not the families," emphasizes Castelló. An attitude of collaboration and trust with the school is key to ensuring the well-being of children and preserving a safe and stable educational environment.
Now that some time has passed, Pere admits he wouldn't mind his son's friend coming to his house to play. “I try to minimize the situation as much as possible so that our children are friends, but inevitably, there is something that, for me, is non-negotiable –he confesses–. With the father present at home, today I would feel uncomfortable”. But there are always alternatives: “If necessary, I offer to take his son home when they finish playing; it saddens me that the two children cannot play outside of school”, he admits.