The key piece within the family that is neither the mother nor the father

GironaThey are always available to intervene when there are conflicts. Far from imposing punishments, they seek solutions. They also offer a perspective different from that of the parents and, when necessary, set limits, but without the burden of demanding them. They are an emotional refuge where children and young people find advice, trust, complicity, and understanding; furthermore, they never lose (or almost never...) their desire to play. Uncles and aunts are essential figures within the family system. Despite the fact that society, and consequently the family structure, has evolved toward new formulas, they continue to have influence and can even become role models, helping, ultimately, to build a tribe.

"We do very normal things: we paint, we dress up, we read stories... Being with them, I feel the child inside me again and the connection with love through play," confesses Eva Martínez, aunt (as she is known) of Joana, 4 years old. They count on me a lot... They know I disappear and I sign up to set up huts under chairs!" he explains. According to psychologist and mediator Javier Wilhelm, these family figures are a source of "unconditional love" from which not only one of the parties benefits. "The relationship enriches the adults because they can connect with the new generations, but also the nieces and nephews because they feel protected, cared for, and guided by a person closer in age to their parents and not as distant as their grandparents," Wilhelm explains.

Among other qualities, they have authority but offer warm support and emotional support when their nephews or nieces or nephews' questions, needs, and problems arise. Their role of listening and advising is "more flexible and enabling." Wilhelm, author of the book Mediation and change (Ed. Letra Minúscula), explains that this is due to the paternal and maternal roles they play, without the responsibility inherent to parents. This makes the relationship with a nephew or niece easier than with a child because with a child, you have the pressure (and anxiety) of never making mistakes. "Nephews and nieces are those children you haven't given birth to and can spoil without consequences," adds this expert. At the same time, they can also become alternate examples of values and actions; and for adults, they are of great help in the logistical aspect.

A complementary figure

With all these virtues, uncles become a complementary figure to their parents. Begoña Leyra, a doctor in social anthropology from the Complutense University of Madrid (UCM), clarifies in this regard that "they accompany children in their development and upbringing." However, for this accompaniment to occur, psychologist Mireia Cabero, an expert in emotional well-being, warns that the person must "have the will to perform this role." "There must be a conscious decision to play this role, because otherwise, I can spend my life being an aunt, like so many other things without purpose or mission. What support do I want to give them? Do I want to accompany them and leave a mark? Questions that invite reflection and help us put words to social challenges," this expert emphasizes.

It's important to keep in mind, according to Cabero, that during the first 15 years of a child's life, the uncles and aunts lead the relationship and can nurture the bond. "When they grow up, they'll be the ones who choose the relationship they want," she comments. To achieve a healthy relationship, specialists recommend not underestimating the authority of parents to avoid loyalty conflicts in relationships. They recommend not imposing rules that contradict family norms that undermine the parents' authority, nor assuming a full parental role. All of this is to avoid confusing children. If reality holds true, "these parental bonding figures become that friend with common sense: they provide the love that parents can provide and the common sense that friends can't. A very complete figure, really," insists Cabero, who is also a lecturer at the Universitat Oberta de Catalunya (UOC).

Not living nearby won't be an impediment to the emergence of affinity, since –apart from the fact that it's easy to maintain contact in this hyperconnected world– Ana Juliá, head of training and innovation at Montessori Palau Girona, states that "children have a sixth sense, and if at home we've talked about this guy or created a bond." A bond that will also strengthen the child's education beyond the parents, since, according to Cabero, "we need role models for children and young people who show them other realities –and she emphasizes–: Family systems are needed that assure us that the integral development of children is assured because children are educated by the tribe."

The single, childless aunt

Although gender roles and family models have changed a great deal today, a few years ago, the unmarried, childless aunt played a very defined role in families and was a key element of support and important assistance. Bel Olid, a desk specialist, emphasizes that "the role of supporting parenting was especially intense in the case of single, childless aunts, who lacked other caregiving responsibilities." Singer-songwriter Joan Manuel Serrat already spoke of this in his song: "The Tieta: The one who always has a plate when Christmas comes around. The one who doesn't want anyone if one day she gets hurt. The one who has no children except her siblings' children. The one who says, "Everything's fine." The one who says, "It doesn't matter."

Olid, who is working on a new book entitled The incomplete mother, explains that many women who did not have children explained to her that taking care of nieces or children of their friends gave them the opportunity to be in contact with the children, and to mother in a certain way, with the freedom to choose the energy they put into it and in solidarity with their sisters and friends, given that they are still mothers.

Anthropologist Begoña Leyra laments the still very pronounced gender bias in today's society. "It's still very patriarchal. Furthermore, in a matrilocal family (that is, one in which the couple lives with the wife's relatives), the one who truly has authority isn't the wife or the husband, but the uncle. Furthermore, the aunt is still closer than the uncle, who has a more masculine role" (as well as the more masculine role). Both in the past and today, the role of uncles and aunts goes beyond consanguinity. According to Olid, "among the group of people who oppose fitting into a specific sexual or gender identity, where the family of origin rejects members who don't conform to the heteronormative, it's common for them to form very strong bonds with female friends and believe what some people call their acquaintances." In short, "biology doesn't make destiny," Wilhelm asserts.