Should siblings be friends?

Barcelona"Families should be aware that the relationship between siblings, beyond encouraging it to be the best possible, will depend on the personality of each sibling," says Estrella Ferreira, a professor at the Faculty of Psychology at the Autonomous University of Barcelona (UAB). Each sibling has their own personality and interests, but doing things together that everyone enjoys can be encouraged, so as not to weaken the relationship. María Helena Tolosa, teacher, psychopedagogue, trainer, and author ofOur daily conflicts, agrees: "It's a bond that deserves respect, but they don't have to be friends. The relationship between siblings has a degree in itself, which is different from that of friends, although if both come together it's wonderful."

She explains that, despite being a lottery, the relationship between siblings depends greatly on their parents. Even if siblings have nothing in common, it's up to the parents to respect each other and spend a minimum amount of time together, especially when they're young. If one is more into going to the mountains and the other is more into partying, they don't have to go everywhere together, "but when they do share time, like eating out or going on vacation, they should be comfortable." Parents should ensure a good coexistence and a good relationship between siblings, seeking out spaces and activities that everyone agrees on, because if opportunities are missed, as the children get older, it becomes more complicated. "We try to find minimal moments of mutual understanding, we look for what makes us enjoy together, and we take care of that minimum," says Tolosa.

Olga (48 years old), the third of four siblings, says that as a female member, she was misunderstood in a family with so many men, but she nevertheless has very fond childhood memories with her brothers. The problems have come from adults: "I work with one of them in the family business, and it's not easy." She admits that potential disagreements and professional complications have spilled over into the personal sphere: "When things get bad at work, I'm too lazy to relate to him as a brother." However, her parents have always encouraged the best possible relationship between them all. Now that they're adults, they occasionally invite all four children over for dinner and time to spend together.

Parents can do many things to help siblings develop the best possible relationship. A good relationship when they're young helps maintain a good relationship when they're older, although in adolescence, there are likely to be more conflicts due to the life cycle. Ferreira points out that at this stage, no matter how many suggestions parents make, children may want to maintain their opinions and preferences. However, when they're younger, it's easier for them to accept what's proposed. There may also be more conflicts in adolescence because there's more argumentation, "but if discussions are based on respect, they're enriching." She points out that if there were no conflicts in adolescence, this would also be a problem, because it would mean that one side always gives in.

Parents' favorite

Parents' perspectives are what matters. When one sibling is clearly better off than the others, this creates two problems. On the one hand, the non-favorite siblings feel bad. No matter what they do, they aren't viewed favorably, and it's normal to feel angry about someone who has something you don't. On the other hand, it affects the relationship with the favorite sibling, preventing them from discovering what it's like or enjoying it.

Rosa (70) and Carme (69) have never had a good relationship. "Ever since I was little I remember her being a pain in the ass, and her parents always agreeing with her," admits the older sister. Now they barely see each other, at most once a year for the family meal their children organize. "When our children were little we did spend more time together, I suppose neither of us liked our relationship and we wanted to try to make sure our children had good memories of their cousins," says Carme. In their parents' later years they did agree on how to look after and support them. Both happily explain that although it could have been a disaster, they prioritised their parents and were largely in agreement.

Parental support should encourage respect and a minimum level of good coexistence between siblings. Adults act as mediators and facilitators, teaching them from a young age to speak to each other fairly, always respecting differences. "If parents do their part, it's difficult not to achieve the minimum standards," says Toulouse.

Adult siblings

Once children are adults, other factors come into play, such as work, finances, and relationships, which can facilitate or hinder sibling relationships and family gatherings. Estrella Ferreira recommends focusing on the quality of the gatherings rather than the frequency: "Some siblings can have a good relationship even if they don't talk much; that's not a bad thing either."

Marc (48) is the fourth of five sisters with whom he remembers playing, some more than others, and even going on vacation together when they were older. However, "with one of them, the relationship cooled so much that she barely remembers moments together," he admits. They have been very distant for almost thirty years, only meeting up for lunches and family get-togethers, although he has kept in touch with his nieces and nephews. As they have gotten older, the sisters meet up more often, but he doesn't. Marc takes it easy; he doesn't mind them seeing each other more, and knows that if he ever needed them, they would support him, just as he would for them. "In fact, I'm the one who invites them all for Christmas, and we have a good time. With the sister I've had less contact with, we're cordial, everything's fine," he says with satisfaction.

When children are young, parents can advise them and do everything possible to share good times, but when they're adults, there are situations in which parents can only cope. If there's respect and desire, that's fine, and if not, it shouldn't be forced. It's clear that parents would love for their children to always get along, but they must understand that each of them is growing and they must let them fly. If children don't get along, parents will have to know how to manage frustration: "If family gatherings are forced on adult children who don't have a relationship or have a bad one, the only thing it generates is discomfort," Ferreira points out. She says there will be the pre-existing anxiety, the anxiety of the moment together, and then each parent takes it home. Avoiding this brings peace of mind and mental health for everyone.

If there comes a time when you don't share or tolerate what your sibling is doing, the best thing to do is for each person to go their own way and not get involved. With open conflicts that don't seem likely to be resolved in the short term, parents can meet with their children separately without forcing them to meet. On the other hand, if a minimum of good relations remain and the starting point is cordial, you can try to get the children to agree.