Beyond Tinder: Dating After Breaking Up

BarcelonaBefore separating, Raúl (a fictitious name to maintain his anonymity) saw a lot of potential in dating apps and was eager to try them out. Having had the opportunity, he hasn't used them and is "far from" doing so. He wants to stop spending so many hours in front of his phone and delving into this world is precisely going in the other direction. But the truth is, he hasn't missed them. "I've met people who have interested me and people who have interested me," he says when explaining how he's handled this new situation. He also confesses that being able to experiment has been a "healthy and good motivation" for him.

Being able to meet new people, flirt, play, and go on dates is one of the opportunities for those who separate after years—and children—of living together, and it can be a real boon for this new life. But making it work and turning out the way you imagined isn't so easy. This is what Noemí has found, having decided to separate a little over a year ago and finding that meeting new people who might be interesting to meet regularly is complex. "At our age, it's extremely difficult to meet new people organically," says Noemí (also a fictitious name to maintain anonymity), "the groups are already closed, and the dynamics are always the same."

She finds it very difficult for new people to emerge among the different groups. Furthermore, with young children, despite sharing custody, she finds she has little free time, and when she does, she takes advantage of it to do what brings her well-being, "regardless" of whether or not it allows her to meet new people. That's why she has tried dating apps and quickly realized they weren't for her. "I find them very wild; people have no regard for disappearing, and, personally, they've damaged my self-esteem more than anything else," Noemí explains.

Marina (also a fictitious name) has also tried them. In her case, she describes the experience as "brief, but satisfying." She started because her friends encouraged her. Marina separated shortly before the pandemic, and therefore, going to bars and clubs during this new phase was difficult for her. Because of this, she thought she wouldn't lose anything by trying these apps and that, at worst, they would distract her, which is what she wanted. She managed to talk to a few men and only had two dates. The first wasn't very fruitful; with the second, she was able to establish a relationship that lasted about four months. Marina sees advantages in the apps: they give access to a multitude of options, and with the chats, you can rule out and intuit things. But she is also very aware of the shortcomings, some of them fundamental, such as physical appearance, gestures, gaze, way of speaking—elements that, as she emphasizes, you can only perceive if you meet in person.

Children and speed

After her initial experiences with the apps, Marina has met other men, always friends of friends. She is now in a stable relationship, but separating from the father of her children has been "so difficult and painful" that she is not considering, for the moment, living with a man again. "At least until my children—now teenagers—leave home and start their own lives," she concludes. For Marina, being able to experience "dating time" again after the "hardship of the separation" is positive, but she recommends taking time for herself, for her friends, and, above all, not rushing or creating too many expectations when this new person enters her life. This means not explaining anything to her children or introducing them until the relationship is solidified. "That way, you can enjoy spending free time together, without responsibilities beyond wanting to be together," adds Marina, who sees this as an option. living apart together It avoids cohabitation, prolongs the feeling of courtship, and makes everything easy. "Today, it fulfills me," he concludes.

This "simmering relationship" approach is what Rocío López de la Chica, founder and CEO of the conscious separation program Creada, recommends. She emphasizes that as adults, we may want time to "explore" and that sometimes it's even necessary, and we have to "give ourselves that permission, too." However, her recommendations for children are blunt: "If you want to have casual dates, don't involve your children."

She asserts that meeting a new person can cause insecurity in children, and if the person disappears again, it can lead to grief. "It's neither pleasant nor necessary, and it doesn't benefit them," warns the psychologist. According to her, the couple should be introduced when the relationship is established, they've shared enough time alone together, and, above all, when the children have "integrated and adapted" to their parents' separation. "If we impose a new change on them, it will generate insecurity and fear, they'll relate to each other with tension, and it will also affect the relationship, which isn't impermeable," adds the expert in accompanying divorce and separation processes.

Raül has also been vigilant in this regard. He wouldn't say he keeps it secret, but he does do it "discreetly." He avoided, "for some reason," having all meetings completely outside the reach of the ex-partner. This way, he avoided having to confront her, with whom he has a good friendship and a child together. "It wasn't necessary to bring it up because it was all light," he explains.

Giving himself permission and putting guilt aside

"When you've been with the same person for many years, it's hard to go out with men again," says Marina, who sees a certain emotional block and that "it's easy to fall into comparisons." At Creada, they often encounter this situation, but they see that, especially among mothers, the feeling of guilt prevents them from recovering that side of their lives after separating. It's a guilt that isn't attributed so much to the separation, which is also a factor, but rather to the fact that women often feel guilty "for having a life beyond motherhood." "It's important to recognize that before being mothers or fathers, we are women and men with needs to be met," notes López de la Chica. "And this doesn't make us better or worse mothers and fathers," she asserts. She also sees that, often, enjoying a new relationship is experienced as a betrayal. Therefore, the therapist believes this reflection and "giving oneself permission" to meet and explore new people is necessary.

She also sees that sometimes we approach this new stage with "fear of repeating patterns" and a certain distrust to avoid the other person hurting us. "We have to recognize and identify the patterns we've developed and do it differently, being clear about the red lines," suggests López de la Chica. For this reason, this psychologist believes that some training is necessary, because she has left a relationship with "unbeneficial" dynamics, and it's always better not to rush. For those in a hurry, she has a clear message: "The 40s of today are not like they used to be; instead of thinking that there are only a few years left, you should see that you have half your life left to live consciously." For the therapist, the key to bringing health to a new relationship—whatever it may be—is to give yourself permission, focus on enjoyment and pleasure, and not add demands.