At what age should you start knocking on your child's bedroom door?

BarcelonaThe first place adolescents begin to express their identity is in their room. Sometimes they do this by wanting to rearrange furniture. These changes are related to the process of identity construction. The gesture of closing the door signals that the young person begins to seek privacy, to explore and find their innermost being. "It's the beginning of the process of more active identity construction. It usually happens between the ages of 12 and 15, although some young people never need to do it," says Sara Desirée Ruiz, a social educator and psychotherapist specializing in adolescence. What she suggests to families is to observe, and when adolescents begin to close the door, the family should knock before entering.

How to get into your room?

First, you poke the cat, ask if you can come in, and wait for an answer. No need to poke the cat and open the door right away. Waiting for their response shows that you respect their space, which is what they need, and makes them feel comfortable at home. Hence the importance of maintaining the family atmosphere. If they don't feel comfortable in their space or listened to, they'll find any excuse not to be home.

When we knock and don't hear a response—they might be listening to music or thinking about something—we open the door and stick out our hand, indicating we want to come in. From there, we tell them we need to talk or ask for a consultation about something. "It's best to be brief, so we have more people to listen to what we're saying, because otherwise they'll tune out quickly," he points out.

If the answer to the request to come in is no, and it's something urgent, we should say so and discuss whatever is necessary. If it's not urgent, we suggest talking later, letting them come and get us, and if not, we'll do it ourselves. It should be clear that it will need to be talked about. The psychotherapist suggests trying to have conversations outside the bedroom, because this is their world: "We must make them want to leave the bedroom, chat, and maintain the family atmosphere, having shared spaces where they can talk calmly." If the topics are sensitive, it's better not to do it in front of the whole family; that way, they won't be embarrassed and will feel less scrutinized.

What if they are in the room with someone?

This is often one of the situations that most concerns families: when they're with someone with whom they might have sexual relations. "Teenagers also have the right to privacy," the psychotherapist reminds us. She explains that families must understand that children have the right to build relationships independently with other people, and recommends that adults keep in mind that sooner or later they will have sexual relations, regardless of whether they do so outside of our home or in our bedroom.

Stopping the door from closing won't prevent them from having intimate relationships. However, she comments that if there are families who can't tolerate the child staying with their partner in the room, they could agree to leave the door open, even if the gesture doesn't prevent them from having sex at some point. "Whatever has to happen, will happen. We can turn our backs on them, but that creates taboos that make the teenager feel uncomfortable talking about it. That's when they look for answers outside the home," Ruiz concludes.