There's an empty chair: how to navigate grief at Christmas

Christmas evokes a collective imagination filled with celebrations and joy, almost an obligation to be well that clashes sharply with the reality of those experiencing grief. To support these individuals, the "la Caixa" Foundation's Comprehensive Care Program for People with Advanced Illnesses promotes the "It's Christmas and There's an Empty Chair" meetings.

The emotions of grief—sadness, anger, fear, nostalgia, loneliness—don't change at Christmas, but they do intensify. "It's not just one specific day; it's entire weeks of feeling pressure from those around you to be okay," explains Marta Gutiérrez, a psychologist specializing in grief from the Mutuam Psychosocial Care Team (EAPS) of the "la Caixa" Foundation's Comprehensive Care Program for People with Advanced Illnesses.

Marta Gutiérrez and her colleague Elisa Sanz, also a psychologist with the program, lead the talks in Barcelona. These meetings, held in different parts of Spain, offer emotional management tips, creating a safe and trusting space, and breaking down the idea that grief should be experienced in silence and solitude.

How to talk about the emotional ups and downs of grief

One of people's main concerns is "the fear of falling apart and not knowing if they'll be able to manage the flood of emotions," explains Sanz. "Many people try to protect others from their feelings of grief because they don't want to upset them, but also because they don't want to show their own vulnerability," she adds. "Experience tells us that when people share and acknowledge their pain, that inner weight is greatly relieved," Gutiérrez points out. Grief transcends all generations, and this also includes children and the elderly. With young children, "we must let them be and act like children," even though their apparent emotional roller coasters may bewilder adults. With the elderly, the priority is not to decide for them and to ask them directly how they want to spend the holidays, setting aside the social pressure to be together at Christmas. Different ways of experiencing grief at Christmas

During these holidays, everyone copes with grief in their own way. That's why—and psychologists emphasize this—it's essential to recognize and respect these differences. "Emotions aren't positive or negative; they're pleasant or unpleasant, but they all carry a message and tell us something that's happening to us," says Sanz. That's why it's important to express them naturally and not repress them. However, it's not always easy to know what you're feeling. Grief is a constant ebb and flow. Ana García Jodorovich, who attended the talk in Barcelona, ​​lost her mother four years ago: "When she died, I fell into a depression: I wouldn't get out of bed and all I did was sleep and cry." In the following years, Ana experienced different versions of Christmas. The arrival of her granddaughter also transformed her perspective on these holidays: "Becoming a grandmother changed me. My granddaughter brought me joy, and our Christmas became beautiful again."

For Ana, the unconditional support of her loved ones and the flexibility with which they have accompanied her has been key to coping with her Christmas grief. Going to therapy with psychologist Marta Gutiérrez also helped. "If you don't ask for help, you can remain isolated for years."

According to the psychologists, there are no standard guidelines for coping with grief, but there is one piece of advice that applies to everyone: "The recommendation is to give yourself time to stop and see how you are and what you need," acknowledges Sanz.

For the psychologists, rethinking traditions is just as valid as maintaining Christmas celebrations with family. "Small gestures like a few words in a toast or sharing anecdotes to remember the person who is no longer with us make it easier. This avoids the elephant in the room effect."