Instructions for Being a Perfect Family

Christmas undoubtedly has many good, even endearing, aspects. I'm a firm believer in its traditions. However, it's undeniable that this time of year puts us through a family stress test, because when we have to love each other intensely in a confined space, the difficulties porcupines face in keeping each other warm without hurting themselves on their quills quickly become apparent. It seems fitting that, in the midst of the post-Christmas hangover, when everyday life returns to the forefront, we ask ourselves how we survived this stress test. And, while we're at work, we worry about how to become the perfect family.

After much reflection, I have reached conclusions that seem irrefutable to me regarding the instructions to follow for anyone who wishes to enjoy an immaculate family. They are as follows.

First: have the second child before the first. Parenting would be much more relaxed.

Second: to ensure that your children are born with more common sense than energy (that they are born adults, basically).

Third: master the strategies of emotional intelligence with such finesse that we can program family moods, so that the most relevant hours of the day (going to bed and getting up) would be the most harmonious and joyful.

Fourth: that having children doesn't prevent us from sleeping through the night. Under current conditions, each child means between 400 and 700 hours of forced sleeplessness, that is, between 50 and 100 sleepless nights.

Fifth: that it is compatible to have children, earn pennies and enjoy free time.

Sixth: that our children's primary educational tool be their ears, not their eyes. In other words, that the advice we offer in abundance should have more persuasive power than the examples we set. Unfortunately, our children tend to be very similar to the children we once were, and they tune out, so we find ourselves in "How many times do I have to tell you that…?" mode. It's uncomfortable to admit, but we've all learned far more from our parents' examples than from advice. Consequently, we are always educating, especially when we don't realize it, because the truth of who we are is often found in the spontaneity of our actions.

Seventh: that it would be possible to transfer the educational responsibility from parents entirely to the school, or at least to a specialist who knows the ropes. But our children spend around 15% of their time annually at school. So...

Eighth: that fidelity does not require effort and that love is always joyful, so that our children have plenty of perfect examples of family life.

Ninth: that the criterion for evaluating our excellence as parents be our good intentions and not our behavior.

Tenth, and last: that in the family there is always someone resigned to being an adult.

If these conditions seem excessive, I have a consolation prize: if, being human, all too human, we cannot achieve family perfection, at least we aspire to have a family like the Simpsons. Notice that even though Homer is a compulsive television addict, every night they all eat dinner together in the kitchen, without television (or screens), and they begin each new episode without the painful burden of past grievances. And whatever nonsense Homer might do—and believe me, he does no good!—he has the love of his wife. I have no idea why Marge is so in love with her unique husband, but I do know that in family life, loving each other is far more important than understanding each other. And you know you are truly loved the day you can show your weaknesses to the other person, confident that they won't use them to demonstrate their strength.

Ultimately, if we can't be perfect, we aspire to be normal, that is, to manage our everyday neuroses without too much fuss. Every normal family is inevitably neurotic because, since the child has far more energy than sense to manage it, someone in the family, as we just said, has to resign themselves to acting as an adult, and that's tiring. Yes, being a parent is tiring. But it doesn't matter. Loving each other is better! If you have someone by your side who, knowing your whole range of flaws down to the last detail, still believes you're worth loving, you've hit the jackpot!

A child's first right is the right to have somewhat neurotic parents, because if they had perfect parents, what examples would they learn from to manage the imperfect reality of our world?