"Your son bullies mine"

"I hadn't seen him well for a long time. Until one day he told me: «Mom, I just want to die...»". Told through tears by his mother, Joel's story is a case –one more– of bullying. A chapter of suffering that it ends With the help of a psychologist and a change of center, which will be forever marked. There is much work to be done –one in four children are bullied– But awareness of bullying is also growing. The Department of Education and Vocational Training's case count increases each academic year: 347 in the 21-22 academic year; double that, 684, in the 22-23 academic year; and 52% more, 1,042, in the 23-24 academic year. May 2nd is, in fact, the International Day Against Bullying and Harassment at School.

Joel's bullying was both group-based and psychological, and factors such as his high ability and a rejection that his mother attributes to classism played a role. It all began when, in the second year of secondary school, the besieged friend Joel was protecting dropped out of school; the bullied man then turned into himself and was isolated. "Joel said: «If I don't speak, because I don't speak; if I speak, because I speak. It's because I don't know how to act.». And that, little by little, began to affect him a lot," his mother recalls. They also ignored him: "As if he weren't in class. When they said they were doing cooperative groups, everyone would join together, but they excluded him. And he didn't understand. When they went out to the playground, he never had anyone with him. He was alone, sitting on the bleachers, and when his tutor watched the playground, she would come up and talk to him. And she was the only person who spoke." One day, the pain exploded, and Joel confessed his desire to cease to exist to his mother and tutor. "The tutor called me and said: «I'm very scared because he told me he wants to die.». And I say: «Look: he told me this morning, and I already have an appointment with the psychologist.»".

The fear that Joel would make a fool of himself was the final straw. "Roger [the psychologist] took him in and saw that he was in a very bad state, devastated." He moved forward with therapy: "He went to social gatherings, he was superb, and he came back super happy. At the end of the year, we suggested changing schools. He said no because maybe things were getting better." On the fourth day of third year of secondary school, they were already cornering him again. "That hurt him. I called his father and told him it was over. «He's leaving school»". No sooner said than done. The tutor wanted to talk to Joel, but the boy told him it wasn't necessary. The tutor called Joel's mother while they were going through the paperwork for the school transfer. He wanted to talk to them before they took any further steps. "I was surprised when she said to me: «Please leave it at school, because that way everyone will learn.»And I said to him: «Do I have to wait for my son to jump off a bridge before the others mature?»". He admitted that if he were his son, he would do the same.

The silence of families

Since then, Joel has been attending another school. Has he turned the page? No. "Although some time has passed, I don't think he's over it. And he's talked about it, and he's much better, but of course, he was just starting the first year of high school and was very afraid of kids from the other school going." Joel's mother complains of misinformation and neglect from the system—when the protocol was activated, no one from the school, not even the principal, called her—but also from the psychologist at the Education Department. "Joel came to me crying and said: «Mom, she didn't give a shit about what I was telling her. She started looking at Instagram.»". And she also regrets that gifted children are not treated as a special need: "They are totally excluded from these aids." The mother confesses that she has felt guilty and reveals the silence of the other families in the class: "I work facing the public and I meet. They have never asked me: «Why did you take him out of school?»"And when the abuse occurred? "Nothing."

Joel's psychologist is Roger Aranda, co-founder of The Milestone, She handles bullying cases and teaches workshops. She states that parents can detect it and that bullying is often hidden behind other problems: "We find a young person who is very irritable, very reactive, or apathetic, listless." They may also eat too much or not eat at all, or not sleep well. "Then we should go see what's happening at school. And we talk about bullying when there's a large group against a vulnerable individual who can't leave on their own." She emphasizes the work of teachers and psychologists to find a solution: "None of the families are available to do so. The victim's family probably has enormous difficulties protecting their child; they may have a verbal argument with the bully's family, but they will hardly accept that their child is the aggressor." And they don't usually accept help. She always reminds the educators with whom she collaborates of two things: bullying usually occurs outside the classroom, and the student suffers from it even if it's not noticeable.

Aranda is realistic about the role of the parents of those under siege: "They have a very difficult time. They have to exert a lot of pressure to get a series of mechanisms in place at the school." To the parents of the aggressors who want to listen, the discourse should not be "Your child is bad," but rather "It hurts mine, and it must stop." And she warns that what happens now can carry over into adulthood and may make them unable to forge healthy relationships. Aranda doesn't rule out meeting between families, but without any expectations. And as for the rest of the families, she indicates, they will either ignore it or agree with one or the other "out of affiliation," that is, out of proximity. She strongly insists on the need to educate children at home and at school, and also on properly training professionals: "It's important that all professionals have very clear protocols and that they are applied with an iron fist."

A "systemic" problem

The president of theCatalan Association for the Prevention of Bullying (ACPAE), Meritxell Plana, speaks about what she considers a "systemic problem" of society. "Most parents normalize violence as long as it doesn't affect them. That's what they are children's things Everyone does it. Except when it's your turn; then it seems like... «Wow, they're going too far.». Violence is something that we all carry inside, but, on the other hand, we find it difficult to believe that we are violent." Plana notes that, when it's your turn, you discover that empathy is a very rare commodity. He found this out when it was his turn to her son. "No one gave any credence. In fact, we decided not to say anything; from one day to the next, our children were taken out of school, and we only received calls from a few parents because, by not showing up, a false rumor spread; otherwise, they wouldn't have called me."

And what solutions exist? Raise awareness: "If a good prevention job hasn't been done in primary school, everything collapses in secondary school." Unite schools: "The sense of belonging to a school makes everyone engage differently when dealing with problems." Regarding the bully's family, he advises being realistic: "It's impossible for a parent to accept that their child is a bully. Having two parents talk face-to-face about this problem, without emotional intervention, is extremely complicated." And he notes that the bully also suffers. "No one cares," he maintains. Regarding the school, he advises being firm: "If you have any suspicion that bullying is taking place, you go to the principal with evidence, medical studies, or psychological reports." Plana sets homework for the authorities: that schools stop being "judge and jury" in the protocol, that inspections seriously monitor them (avoiding corporatism), that the follow-up of victims be improved, and that coexistence plans prevent bullying.

The administration created #HereProuBullying in 2017 and, a couple of years ago, Well-being for the sake of being well; has unified the protocol, and has created the Student Violence Registry (REVA) and the Coordinator of Co-education, Coexistence and Well-being in Schools (COCOBE). In addition, any concerns or suspicions of bullying can be reported to the Support Unit for Students in Situations of Violence (USAV).

Basic steps for families

Child and adolescent psychologist Roger Aranda, co-founder of the La Fita center in Sabadell, is an expert in emotional intelligence, screen time, and addictions. And in bullying. Here are his tips.

If your child is being bullied

• "Put a lot of pressure on the school administrations, that is, put a lot of pressure on them, but don't let them be in contact with the adults who are there while you're not there and can't address the problem or control it."
• "Pay close attention to your child's mood to see if he or she is improving, if the school is doing a good job."
• "Give him space if he's been through a lot so he can let go wherever he is: if he has half an hour each night, there's no need for him to see a professional."

If your child bullies

• "Seeing that this could be a problem for their future and helping them develop more beneficial social skills, such as empathy and emotional intelligence."
• "And help him repair the situation in some way."