"You're the smart one, he's the funny one": When parents encourage sibling rivalry
The age difference and factors such as children from separated parents can generate distance, rivalry or competition between siblings.
GironaHe's present every day. He's simply part of the family. For some, he's become unattainable, distant, and absent; for others, he can be a rival or even a hindrance that forces them to learn to share. A sibling is and always will be a sibling, but this figure loses all meaning when it lacks the most important thing: the bond. An affinity that ignores age variables because there can be a great difference but, at the same time, great cohesion; or there can be disinterest, rivalry, and competition, yet they can be only months apart. And when siblings aren't blood relatives? The realities of separated families (or other types) add new variables. What doesn't change—and never will—is that the bond between siblings depends, in and of itself, on many factors, and that, in these situations, the parents—who have a lot to say and do—become a pillar that tips the balance toward a context of conflict or resolution.
Ferran Marsà, PhD in clinical and health psychology, explains that some studies conducted in English-speaking countries indicate that having siblings is related to "greater decision-making, self-esteem, and empathy in children and young people." However, some also point out that these differences are not "so obvious or clear." Other research concludes that the key factor is the social environment. That is, "the values and attitudes that these children and young people adopt from their closest social circle: parents, grandparents, and school," comments Marsà, who is also director of the Master's Degree in Child and Adolescent Psychology at the Faculty of Psychology and Educational Sciences at the Universitat Oberta de Catalunya (UOC).
An older sibling who is many years apart is likely to show some concern and attention for the younger one. However, if the arrival of the youngest takes place during adolescence, then things could be different. Dolors Albertí, clinical psychologist and coordinator of the Baix Empordà Child and Adolescent Mental Health Center, affirms this. "Younger siblings almost always seek out their older sibling. They want them to be there for them. They're their idol." the case of the older brother If he ignores him—not because he doesn't love him, but because he's at a different stage in his life—the little one may feel excluded. It will affect his self-esteem. He will be sad and not feel valued enough," she says. On the contrary, until the birth of the youngest son, the older brother had grown up as an only child, and the arrival of the youngest has meant he loses his throne. "It's a complex situation. The eldest had his parents exclusively and they were there only for him. And now other needs arise. The older brother, at the same time, may also feel displaced," the psychologist points out.
From rivalry to competition
Sibling rivalry is very common. What lurks behind it is, at its core, a shared desire to please parents: to get their attention and also their love, a situation that can escalate into competition. Marta Butjosa, educator and high school teacher, explains that "parents must be aware of how to manage the relationship between siblings so as not to contribute to enmity and instead encourage collaboration." According to her, poor sibling relationships are greatly influenced by the way parents view each of their children, both individually and as a group. "They tend to divide roles: you're the smart one, and he's the one who makes them laugh; you're the one who's good at school, and he's the one who's good at sports... We categorize, and this severely limits children and adolescents and damages their relationship," explains Butjosa, who is also a Gestalt therapist and writer. Not just big statements, but also small details: like now, seeing who puts on the jacket first... "It may seem silly, but you're encouraging competition. The look is very subtle, but it's there," he adds.
Some studies on siblings in English-speaking countries describe how older siblings often assume some responsibilities that normally fall to parents. However, Marsà emphasizes that little is known about whether this pattern persists or varies in Mediterranean countries. Today, gender continues to play a significant role in the family and can contribute to sibling rivalry. "From a heteropatriarchal perspective, in traditional families, brothers still enjoy certain privileges compared to sisters," says Marsà.
The New Families
The different types of families that exist today, beyond the traditional model, bring new variables to the relationship between siblings. These include: same-sex couples, single parents, co-parental families (there is no romantic relationship and they decide to have a child and raise it together), or families formed by separated parents. In these new contexts, rivalry often arises, as does its sisterJealousy. According to Albertí, it's very present in children of separated parents. "They see how the father or mother can love another child who isn't their own, and they fear losing their parents' love," she admits. Before the situation escalates, Butjosa recommends, first and foremost, maintaining space with the blood parent. "These biological children have arrived before the other couple with their children and should be able to continue maintaining exclusivity. This will help preserve the relationship," says Butjosa, author of books such as Transform yourself to educate (Plataforma Actual). There must be a hierarchy, and everyone must have their own space to feel recognized within the family. "It's an art. As an adult, you must be very well-positioned," Butjosa emphasizes. De-dramatizing, encouraging collaboration, and finding solutions as a team—without taking sides or dispensing justice, because otherwise, everyone will lose—are some of the recommendations the experts add.
Faced with the same experience, one sibling may experience it very differently than the other. Things that cause pain and sadness for one may have no importance at all for the other. Even if there is little or no connection, not all is lost. Over the years, it can resurface. "The wounded sibling will have things to say, and it will surely be difficult for them to say them. You have to listen to them, as equals, without judgment and with a desire to understand. Together, moreover, you can help each other understand what happened in the past, rediscover each other, and even complement each other." , or almost everything, of us.
Only child until a sibling arrives
Maribel Béjar has a sister who is 15 years older than her and, coincidentally, two daughters who are 10 years apart in age. "My sister was my role model when I was little," she says. "She was more of a mother than a sister to me, and I saw her more as a mother than a sister," she admits. Both of Béjar's daughters were raised as only children. "The youngest was in tow for a few years after the older one because I took her everywhere. I didn't want the older one to feel that, when her sister was born, she had been robbed of her place," she says.
Brothers like twins
Just six months after her eldest son was born, Claudia—her real name because she wants to remain anonymous—became pregnant. "We wanted to have them close together," she says. Among their advantages: similar learning periods and very similar needs. But the older brother has always wanted to claim his place. "We've had to acknowledge that he's the oldest," says the mother. Although the eldest feels devoted to his sister, she hasn't paid much attention to him yet.
The absent brother
"As children, we were told we looked like twins because we were only a few months apart in age," says Fina—also a fictitious name. However, for about fifteen years now, as a result of misunderstandings, there has only been distance and silence between them. The sibling bond, as such, has disappeared. Neither the father's illness, who died, nor other circumstances have managed to bring the relationship closer. "I've always left the door open. It hurts me that it hasn't come closer at certain times because life and illness always come before everything else," she describes, who trusts that one day the situation will be rectified.
![Una nena es mira la seva germana petita](data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 16 9"%3E%3C/svg%3E)
