The question you should never ask a woman

I meet up with my friend Rosa one day, and she arrives indignant. An acquaintance of her mother's asked about her and wanted to know if she actually had children. And when she said no, the man was deeply disappointed. Rosa has had to hear this question all her life, but she thought that now that she's over sixty, she shouldn't be the object of that curiosity, which comes loaded with pressure and prejudice. Because, let's not fool ourselves, behind the question and the surprised reaction to a "no" is the idea that, because you're a woman, you must have given birth.

It's public knowledge that I've had three children. And that I've done so with awareness, desire, and aspiration. But I don't consider myself a motherhood evangelist at all. And it really pisses me off to have so many friends who, at this point, still have to endure this kind of insane interest in a decision that's so intimate. And here, as in so many other things, there are differences. Because men aren't asked this question that often. They are, I know, but not with the same frequency. And when they answer no, their decision is respected. They didn't want to, period. And they're allowed that "period." Either they attribute it to not having found the right person, or they shift the blame onto their female partner. In fact, if a man doesn't want to have children, it's even logical. Because in the system we live in, which has that lame but very real name, patriarchy, the concept of man is not linked to parenting or children.

But a woman, oh, a woman who doesn't feel any desire to procreate, is still uneasy. She's accused of being selfish. Of being childish. Of being afraid of commitment. And she suffers the pressure and paternalism of society. In theory, no, we're already modern, and it's awful to say it, but they, the childless women, tell me the opposite. On March 8, the program The balcony, from SER Catalunya, brought together three women so that each of us could contribute a feminist dilemma. We were the writer Lucía Ramis, the archaeologist Irene Cordón, and myself. And Lucía presented the lived experience of a man in a relationship who, in theory, has accepted the option of not having children, but in reality thinks it's only a matter of time before the woman changes her mind. And how discovering that this man actually believes this causes the relationship to break up due to a lack of trust and loyalty. The situation was real, and what's clear is that this man never saw his partner. He saw the woman he desired, the one who would one day change her mind and do what's right.

And then there are the women (and men) who don't have children because they can't, whether for financial or health reasons. Women who have suffered miscarriages, whose bodies aren't in the mood, who don't have to explain it, and who are reminded of that unfulfilled wish every time the question is asked. There's so little sensitivity and so little respect surrounding a question that society has allowed to become commonplace... Let's stop asking it. Let us live as we please. Leave us alone.