"It's infinitely easier to be a mother than a stepmother."

BarcelonaNo one prepares you for caring for your partner's children. When falling in love blinds all your senses, you can hardly imagine that, along with that person, other, younger ones will join you who, if all goes well, will end up playing a very important role in your life. It's the beginning of a bumpy road where, through trial and error, those who experience it can experience very contradictory emotions and situations. "Love them as if they were your own... but don't try to be their mother." "You have to be a role model, but setting limits is prohibited" are just some of the phrases that so-called stepparents, or stepparents, as the Association for the Care of Family Diversity prefers to say, must hear.

It is estimated that there are around 800,000 blended families across Spain, according to data from the INE (National Institute of Statistics and Census), and that it usually takes between 4 and 7 years from the formation of one of these families until its members feel they are part of it. Aina Buforn and Berta Capdevila, counselors and therapists specializing in blended families, know a lot about all this. They are social media communicators with the following profile: Being a stepmother and authors of the Manual for the modern stepmother (Alfaguara, 2025).

Through their pages, the authors, who are also like-minded mothers, reflect on everything that surrounds this complicated relationship that can arise when a like-minded mother tries to maintain a good relationship with her partner's children: "There's often too much pressure imposed on them, because they feel that the success of the relationship depends on it," Capdevila explains.

It's a real pressure cooker, adding to the complexity of managing the relationship itself, knowing how to agree on the rules of living together at home, and on each partner's boundaries and responsibilities. This is already difficult for many childless couples, and, to top it all off, there's also the constant presence of the ex-partner and parent of the children, with all that this entails.

Breaking stereotypes

"At first, when stepmothers begin to encounter these situations, they tell us they don't know if they are the ones who are wrong and have gone crazy or if they are so selfish that they are unable to accept this situation," continues Capdevila, who always tries to convey that what they are experiencing is normal and part of the whole process. It turns out that they have no framework for understanding and don't know how to put words to what they are going through.

"Society doesn't help, because it still stereotypes the stepmother as a witch, and instead, the female role model we have for the family is the holy mother," Buforn adds. "Mothers already try to fulfill a task of being imperfect without society crucifying them. The problem is that the stepmother can't be imperfect because she's never forgiven; she becomes a witch," she continues.

Setting limits

When Bea Álvarez, a mother of one, got together with her partner, who had two others, she had to learn to manage her own son's upbringing alongside that of her stepchildren. "When you're a mother, having someone else bully your child isn't easy, but in the same way, you also have the right to say how you want the other person's children to behave, because they all live under the same roof," she notes. It's a tug-of-war that requires a lot of patience and a constant search for balance so there are no differences between both parties. But they don't always agree, nor is the other allowed to set the necessary limits.

"We often find that the stepmother is trying to normalize the family and find her place, but the parents are only thinking about their children because they have their own fears. So, if they encounter a situation they don't like about their stepson, they can't say anything because the first person to discredit it is their own partner," Buforn laments.

"I'm both a mother and a stepmother, and for me, being a mother has been infinitely easier," Capdevila adds, "because I'm not constantly overanalyzing myself and dealing with the tension I had with my stepson. I allow myself much more flexibility." It's that constant fear of being excluded, because the bond is so weak that you always fear ending up looking like the bad guy, the therapist says.

"This bothers me a lot, because when you leave a child at school, you allow the teacher to be their adult of reference, and the same with the extended family. Why can't the stepmother?" laments Buforn. On the other hand, having a certain amount of authority can be beneficial for both parties: "If you don't let a stepmother express her boundaries, you don't let the children express themselves freely with her either. We need to stop overprotecting and supervising the relationship so that everyone can relate to each other with a little more freedom," Capdevila continues.

Loyalty conflicts

For Núria (not her real name), the day she and her youngest daughter joined her partner's family, along with two other daughters, was an immense gift. "I had always wanted a large family, and it was very enriching for the children to have more role models and other ways of seeing life," she says. But all these advantages, which she still shares, were overshadowed when one of her stepdaughters began to have many loyalty conflicts with her biological mother. "One day I asked her if something was wrong because she had been acting very strangely towards me for days. She told me she felt bad because I felt more like a mother to me than to her own mother. I told her that didn't mean she loved her mother any less, that throughout her life many people would act as her mother," she explains.

The problem is that the girl's mother conveyed very powerful subliminal messages against Núria, ensuring that there wouldn't be a good relationship. "In the end, if the ex-partners don't give the co-parent permission to enter the system, it's very difficult for the kids to feel free, because the first thing they want is to protect their parents," says Núria, who has also encountered many obstacles from the school when it comes to normalizing the role of co-parents. "Despite helping them with their homework and their education, they never invite me to tutor them, and at end-of-year festivals, they only give tickets for mom and dad, without considering the entire family system," she says indignantly.

Estimate differently

The arrival of a new child into a blended family can also be a turbulent time, depending on how it's handled. For Aida G. Quer, the most difficult time of her life as a co-parent was during her postpartum period. "My partner felt a lot of guilt because he could always be with our daughter, but not with his other children," she confesses. "And I felt really bad because I felt a different love for her than for the others, although in the end, you love them all, but each one in a different way," she explains. Indeed, having a daughter of her own has also helped her better understand the mother of her co-parents. "I'm aware that I'm sharing a space with her children when she might also want to be with them," she reflects.

Blended families are becoming more and more common, as the Association for the Care of Family Diversity knows well. They serve more and more people who request help or participate in support groups. Like-minded mothers like Bea Álvarez are part of the group and offer advice on the entire process of adapting to living in a blended family: "A lot of patience, love, understanding, and, above all, a lot of talking."

Along the same lines, authors Capdevila and Buforn recommend that, when starting a relationship with someone who has children, it's necessary to have many "uncomfortable conversations." "You have to put everything on the table because, if not, the blow can be very severe later," they affirm. And as the relationship progresses, don't expect everything to go well from the start. There will be a lot of trial and error, and it won't be anyone's fault; it will be part of the process. "And, above all, you have to take care of yourself and not lose relationships with family, friends, or hobbies. Always keep some space for yourself," they conclude.