Andrea Ros : "Mothers also have limits and anger, and we need to be able to overcome them."
Actress, perinatal educator, and mother of two boys, ages 7 and 5. She publishes "Comadres. El secreto era estar juntas" (Comadres. The secret was to be together) (Destino), where she discusses the need to share motherhood and face both difficult and rewarding experiences with other mothers. In Barcelona's Gracia neighborhood, she created El Refugio de las Madres, the first coworking space for working with babies. With psychologist Paola Roig, she hosts the podcast "La vida secreta de las madres" (The Secret Life of Mothers).
BarcelonaWhen I got pregnant the first time, I was so excited and not at all afraid. I felt connected to myself and my baby. I felt so confident and genuinely wanted to spend a lot of time with my baby when she was born. When I talked about what I was feeling, people generally looked at me strangely, as if I were crazy. I saw some women around me acting in ways that didn't resonate with me—with distance, with fatigue. I couldn't imagine myself being that kind of mother.
And how did you imagine?
— You always think you're going to be a better mother than you end up being because being a mother is much more complex, it has many nuances. Above all, you're a mother 24 hours a day, and therefore, you can't be academic. Over time, I've become a more flexible mother, more sympathetic to my flaws, and I understand that sometimes I screw up, and that's normal. Being perfect isn't my goal. I find the idea that a mother should always be sweet and tender dangerous. Mothers also have limits and anger, and we need to be able to navigate them. We can't accompany our children's emotions without feeling our own.
How did you learn to be a mother?
— We know how to be mothers, just as we know how to be friends. Motherhood is a relationship between you and your child, and it's built over time. However, I'd say I learn to be a mother from my friends, talking and watching them be mothers. In this sense, motherhood has something of adolescence about it: you talk to each other all the time, you share secrets. We're great allies and we learn from each other. Dedicating myself to listening to them over these years has been the best thing I could do.
What does it cost you?
— The biggest challenge I encounter is learning to let go, having to accept that they will hurt themselves, that I won't always be able to protect them, and that I must gradually give them autonomy.
What surprises you about your children?
— I once asked my Instagram followers if they could only relate to my children through one of the five senses, which would it be. The answers surprised me. Most of them referred to touch. I would choose sight without a second thought. When I pick them up from school, I stare at them. I observe how they act when I'm not there, when they think I'm not looking. I contemplate what they're like when they're not with me, and it amazes me.
There is a taboo subject, loving each child differently.
— Love for children is different in form, but not in depth. It's not a romantic or sugarcoated love. For both children, I feel a fierce love that moves and activates me. The intensity is the same, but it's not expressed the same way because they are different people. I understand one in one way, and the other in another. And this is also beautiful; each bond is unique.
What do you think a mother in the first months of motherhood needs to know?
— Motherhood brings many changes. Just as we understand the importance of supporting a teenager, it's also important to care for women during this process and address their anxieties. The main ones I observe at El Refugi are: loneliness, returning to work, lack of shared responsibility, and difficulty finding space and understanding from others to rediscover the new woman they are becoming.
How did the Mothers' Refuge project come about?
— She was born four years ago. I built what I would have liked to have, a place to rest. When I was pregnant, I began to share my experiences and realized that all women felt the same things, but it turned out no one had told us about it all: the pain, the vertigo, that feeling of being overwhelmed. One day, I thought about all those women without co-responsible partners who were going through these experiences alone. From that day on, I decided to put my heart and soul into this goal: that no mother should be alone in motherhood.
What makes you laugh?
— Motherhood has led me to laugh a lot. I laugh at myself when the mess managing tantrums and threatening things I know I will never do, or when I secretly eat chocolate.