I'm single, not alone

I am in a box with two of my sisters. My mother has had a health crisis and has been taken by ambulance from the nursing home to a hospital. She has dementia and her brain is functioning worse and worse, causing some of her body's mechanisms to not work as they should. Everything is under control, she has been given the appropriate medication and we will soon be able to accompany her to the nursing home again. But I look at her and I get angry with life. That woman who used to be my mother is now a frail, disoriented and sick old woman and she, who used to read Tolstoy, now only plays with a doll and takes care of it. I don't want this for myself. I don't want it. It's not necessary. Neither for me nor for those who should take care of me. And I breathe a sigh of relief because two years ago I signed a living will with exact instructions on what I have chosen for myself in many circumstances. Dementia too.

I named one of my sisters and Inma, my best friend and accomplice and life partner, as administrators of my living will, and she, in turn, did the same with me and her sister. We talked a lot about it and we still do, both with her and with other friends. And not only about how we want to end our lives and the defense of a dignified death. Also about how to take care of ourselves before that moment arrives. How to take care of each other because many of us are single and some of us don't have children either.

Too many times I am asked if I am alone. And I always laugh. I answer that I don't have a partner, but I am not alone! To begin with, because when I am with myself, I am very well. I keep myself company and I like to do everything with that fifty-five-year-old woman that I am. This being well has not fallen from the sky, but the work done has been worth it.

But the most important thing is that, like so many other women (and yes, some men too), I have been weaving social networks for years. I am very fortunate to have been born into a beautiful family with many siblings and on top of that I decided to have three children and I know that I can count on this whole great clan. But those people I consider my friends are just as important to me. There are more women, but also some men. And maybe it is a matter of age, but many of us are single. Or some have a partner, but they know that who knows what can happen later. And let's talk about how to have each other. To let each other know. To be available to help each other. To be able to call each other at any time if we need a hand. If something happens at midnight. To accompany each other to hospitals and wherever necessary. To take care of each other. And not just now, but to sustain it over time, because we love each other. And because we have chosen each other.

I don't know if my singleness will be permanent. I have written and repeated many times that I would love to be able to live a free, mature, open relationship, blah, blah, blah. And if this does not happen, or in the meantime this does not happen, in the now and here, I am at peace and I know and feel very, very accompanied.