In 2004, mathematicians Uri Gneezy, Ernan Haruvy and Hadas Yafe published the experiment The inefficiency of splitting the bill , related to game theory. Theory is a branch of mathematics that generates models to study decision-making and the interactions between people who make these decisions. It is about seeing the benefits you can obtain with your decisions and how this affects the benefits of the other players and their decisions. What they conclude is that selfish behavior leads to a loss of efficiency –mathematically speaking– and unnecessary expenses arise. The scenarios they propose are that each diner pays their share, that one invites the other or that the restaurant invites them both. When they pay half the amount is higher than if each one pays their share –there is always someone who takes advantage to order more expensive things–, and the amount goes up even more when they invite both.
Who pays for Gen Z's first dates?
Overcoming gender mandates and diversity of relationships change typically sexist habits
In the middle of the last century, everyone believed that men had to pay on first dates. According to the classic division of roles, women were in charge of the reproductive side and men were in charge of the productive side. They were the ones who breadwinners, provided the family with the financial resources, so their value was associated with purchasing power and the fact that he paid for dates was a sign of power. Furthermore, it was not until 1978 that women in Spain were able to open a bank account without a man's permission, having been denied their autonomy until then.
The model is falling apart as women enter the labour market and it is gradually perceived as a manifestation of paternalism that men pay. "Nowadays it no longer works, nobody assumes that boys should invite," explains Miriam Aleman, a philosopher specialising in training, prevention and awareness of sexual and sexist violence in childhood and adolescence.
Patriarchal roles dismantled
The centennials, born between 1997 and 2010, are the youngest generation, known as generation Z, who already have relationships and first dates. Toni, eighteen, has only had one first date, the one he had with his current partner. That day he was the one who invited: "I felt like it, it was a kind gesture, but then we usually split the bill, and from time to time she or I pay." He does not believe that being a boy or a girl determines or obliges one to invite or be invited. "Paying for first dates should not be a gender issue, the decision should not be determined by each person's gender identity," says Marta Mariñas López, a psychologist specialising in gender and sexist violence. She understands that associating gender identity with a specific role would mean perpetuating gender mandates that need to be deconstructed.
The diversity of relationships that exists today breaks many of the rules that were upheld until recently in heterosexual relationships, especially in the area of sexuality. Surely for this reason, for Laura, aged twenty-seven, it doesn't matter if the first date is with a boy or a girl; normally they pay half and half, and if only one of the two people pays they usually agree that the next time they invite the other. She admits that if they insist, she lets them pay, and looking back she concludes that perhaps the boys insist a little more. "I think they do it because of stereotypes, the idea that the boy should invite is still maintained," she explains. She understands that when they stay for a drink it is easier to invite than if they get together; then everyone thinks it is fairer to pay half and half.
When should the alarm bells go off?
Aleman argues that in heterosexual relationships we often find acts that "pretend to be an example of romanticism when in reality there is a gender mandate." Other manifestations of this supposed romanticism are the idea of getting married dressed in white, which symbolizes the pure and virgin woman, or the father accompanying her to the altar, passing from the hands of one man to those of another. It seems that these mandates are losing force, but Aleman warns that some of the ideas that hide behind the idea of romantic love still persist: "The patriarchy is less established and there is more awareness of equality, but we have to see where it sneaks in." This means that we should be suspicious if customs are segregated by gender, and especially in heterosexual relationships, one of the members of the couple does certain things and the other does not. "Opening the door for the other woman is an act of education, but if he always opens the door, thinking that he is stronger than the girl, that she needs his help, it stops being a courtesy and becomes a habit imbued with sexism," says the expert. There is no need to be alarmist, but it is interesting to have that perspective and notice if typically sexist details are reproduced.
Ideally, if she pays the man, it should be casual, and the next time she should pay so as not to perpetuate unequal roles. "That's why I try to deconstruct myself, I don't want to have the need to invite because I'm the man," explains Biel, a 29-year-old heterosexual trans man who admits to always having a tendency to invite. Even before knowing it was Biel, he felt that he should be the one to invite: "Reason tells me that I shouldn't want to invite, but gender cuts through me. On first dates, she often suggests paying half and half, although if I invite them, they don't take it badly." The times that they have invited him, it hasn't been a problem either, so what he suggests is to do it on the next date.
The rule that Olma, 25, usually follows is that the person who takes the initiative to invite the other person on the first date pays. "When I'm the one who makes the first move, I'm excited to plan it and invite him. If it's him, I already have the perfect excuse to meet up again with a 'I owe you dinner or a drink'," she explains. In these cases, she appreciates saving herself the awkward moment of deciding who pays when they bring up the bill, and suggests finding any excuse and getting up early to do so. On the other hand, when she sees that things aren't working out, she suggests paying half and half. She says she is convinced that the idea that the guy should pay is quite outdated, "although there are some types of people who feel more comfortable inviting and others being invited; in general, everyone likes to be invited."
What to keep in mind on a first date
First dates allow us to get to know each other, to detect whether we like the other person, whether they arouse our desire, and whether their behaviour is in line with what we are looking for. Psychologist Marta Mariñas reminds us that on first dates we try to please the other person, we surely hide our defects and absolute authenticity may be compromised. With this in mind, she suggests paying attention to whether the other person respects our limits and opinions, regardless of whether they agree or not; how they act in the face of disagreements and differences; whether there are dynamics of inequality, whether or not they monopolise the conversation and have a genuine interest in listening to you; whether they are interested in you, in how you sound, ask you how you are or try to correct what is happening on the date so that you can feel comfortable.
When it comes to paying, if Judit, 26, knows that the other person is well off financially, she thinks it's fine for them to invite, but if she doesn't know anything, she doesn't assume that there is a wage gap simply because he is a guy or that he is not precarious if he has a stable job: "Because doing so seems classist to me and". She agrees that the most widespread practice is to pay half, but when she really likes the date, she resorts to the technique of inviting one of the two and the next one pays the other. She admits that she prefers to be invited in case the second date doesn't come. She tends to go out more with women: "I'm attracted to guys, but I prefer to bond emotionally with them, I think it's easier. There are more and more men who are being checked, but there are still quite a few with whom communication is difficult, they tend to be more conformist and I feel that they are more stagnant".
For Alemán, the relationships of millennials, the generation that goes from 30 to 40 years old, have been more egalitarian relationships until they started having children, when it was seen that they had not dismantled as many gender mandates as previously believed. In general, generation Z has better resolved the ritual of the more traditional courtship. "What is still a pending subject is the area of sexuality; it is still a taboo subject that is not talked about enough, with many gender mandates that persist, especially in heterosexual relationships," he points out.
