What does science say about friendship between women?

BarcelonaWhenever they can, Anna, Núria, and Elena meet at the same café to catch up. They're all around forty, and for them, these few hours of conversation and relaxation are like therapy, leaving them feeling happy and refreshed. They've maintained their friendship for years, despite life changes like moving for work or having children. Their bond helps them cope with the challenges of daily life, even though they often have to share everything via WhatsApp.

That meeting up with friends It's like recharging your batteries—and it's not just women who say so. A 2024 Oxford University study confirms that women who see their group of friends twice a week have better mental health than those who don't. Furthermore, they believe that if the group has a maximum of four people, it's even better. "When the group exceeds five people, it has been shown that it is unlikely to create the kind of fun situations that generate the production of endorphins necessary for well-being and happiness," said the study's director, Robin Dunbar, at its presentation.

Other research has shown that friendships between women tend to be more intimate and emotional than those between men. While men often compartmentalize these relationships, women expect emotional support, loyalty, and a degree of symmetry in their friendships. However, these same expectations also make female friendships more prone to heartbreak and disappointment.

All of this is discussed by American friendship expert and educator Danielle Bayard Jackson in the book True friends (Diana, 2025), where she unpacks the complexities of these relationships. A whole "science" that already begins with the way female friendships are formed, where three types of affinity play a crucial role.

To begin with, it's important that there be symmetry between friends, a sense of similarity, equality, and reciprocity. "It's when we start to lose that feeling that conflicts begin, like when one is single and the other has a baby," explains Bayard. Another bond that unites them is sharing secrets, information, and, in a way, offering exclusivity. This creates, according to the author, a safe space in which to confide your personal world. "When you start to think that you no longer recognize your friend or that you matter more than she does, something is wrong," the expert continues. And, finally, another cornerstone of this type of relationship is the certainty of always having emotional support in the face of life's events. "And the longer and more developed that bond is, the more we expect the other person to challenge us, confront us, and tell us the truth, even if it hurts," Bayard points out.

Bond and conflict

Marta and Mercè meet every Saturday morning for breakfast and a walk. They say it's one of the best moments of the week, and it's no wonder, because according to the book Why walk?According to American coach and writer Joyce Schulman, when two women walk together regularly, a magical effect occurs: conversations flow more smoothly and strengthen their connection, making them less likely to feel lonely.

However, these relationships are never free of conflict. "It's precisely because conflict arises with the people we feel most connected to and with whom we have the deepest friendships that we expect so much more," Bayard points out. For this reason, women may be much more selective and careful when choosing their friends.

This pressure even leads some women to reject friendships with other women and prefer male friends. According to Bayard's book, when a woman feels this way, it's usually because she has experienced something deeply hurtful and distrustful. "They often say that women are mean and competitive, that they are too emotional, and that their interests align more with male stereotypes," she points out.

For the author, the unfortunate thing about all this is that perhaps there are women willing to be their friends, but if they are already closed off from the start, "how can they interact sincerely and on a deeper level?" Bayard wonders. At this point, she emphasizes the importance of learning to manage conflicts in friendships.

"It's normal to have conflicts; the problem is that we often understand conflict as the opposite of friendship, when that's not the case," she continues. Like any other bond, friendship requires personal effort and learning to resolve conflicts in a healthy way, "putting the needs of the relationship before personal ego."

Improve communication

Many conflicts arise because expectations haven't been met, leaving one party feeling disappointed in the other. A study by anthropologist Anna Machin found that women tend to have higher expectations than men regarding their closest relationships. These expectations often go unmet because, firstly, there's the common misconception that they shouldn't tell their friends what they need because "they should already know." And secondly, because the sense of affinity and symmetry leads them to believe that their friends should support them just as much, and when this doesn't happen, they feel disoriented.

But avoiding conflict isn't the solution. In this situation, Bayard recommends asking yourself the following questions: By doing this, who suffers the most indirectly? How is this affecting you personally, and how is it affecting the friendship?

Facing a difficult conversation isn't easy, but it is necessary, according to the author. That's why she recommends preparing a little beforehand to be able to approach it in the best possible way. Thinking and reflecting a bit on how you emotionally manage situations that irritate and offend you is already a good way to prepare yourself and go in with a positive attitude. "When you meet with the other person, try to find a comfortable and quiet place to address the issue," the author continues, who also recommends starting the conversation by admitting that you're nervous about having to bring it up. "Embracing your vulnerability will help them see that what's happening matters to you and that you want to do things right," she points out.

Once the conversation has begun, it's important to be willing to see and understand the other person's perspective in order to reassess your own emotions and modify your behavior, if necessary. If something about the other person's behavior bothers you and you want to express it, it's best to focus on how their actions make you feel, rather than the specific action itself. For example, if you're tired of your friend always being late, instead of complaining about it, you can tell her that when she's late, you get nervous because it throws off your plans. On the other hand, a secret to avoiding misunderstanding the other person is to repeat what they've just said to make sure you've understood correctly. Ultimately, it's about collaborating as a team to find a solution. "The goal isn't to change the other person, but to solve the problem," Bayard emphasizes.

Obviously, from Sometimes relationships are toxic And it's best when they end. "For many women, breakups between friends are harder than romantic breakups," the author asserts. This is because, according to her theory, when a friend distances herself from us, we feel that she is rejecting our purest essence.

The best part? It's never too late to make new, worthwhile friends with whom to share good times and confidences. Of course, you have to look carefully and put in the effort to make the relationship work.